Saturday, June 4, 2011

I wish I were a wave.

I don't want to play.

I'm right on the ocean, but I don't want to play with my vast blue friend.

I only went to visit and say hi.  I walked where the water met the sand, with just enough love from the sea to hold my feet.

Every step was erased, vanished like I never even existed.

Each crest would invite me to come let nature lick my wounds, but I just said no.

I could feel the water pulling me with every crash of every crest.

The crests know how to live life.  They feel the drama of movement, they allow it to pull them into oblivion, and then they just let it all go, dissipating into the earth.

I wish I were a wave.

The walk along the sea was supposed to make me feel better, but I only felt more lonely.

I don't have Papi to talk to.  I just take care of my love.  I don't receive the usual hugs and kisses I need to know that I'll get through this.

I feel so alone and empty.

I just want to hold Papi.

I want to spoon.

I want to hear my love's heartbeat in my ear when my head is laying on that chest.

It will be a lot less cushiony now.

I can't sit on the bed to be near mi esposo.  The movement, shaking the bed disturbs my love and it brings pain.

I sit alone on a separate lounging char to attempt conversation on Facebook with my Trust List.

When I eat, my back is toward Papi.  I sit at the desk and stare out the window.

I feel as though we're strangers.  I feel as there is no connection.

I need connection, physical touch and energy from mi esposo.

I'm so sad, and I really can't understand why.

My mind is so fragmented.  My thoughts are so random.  My heart is so stagnant.

I wish I were a wave.

One good thing about walking alone the beach today, was nobody knew I was crying behind those sunglasses.

Nobody could see my pain, loneliness and anxiety.

Everyone was concerned with their tans, children and sucking in their abs.

I was as invisible as my footsteps that were washed away to the sea.

I wish I were a wave.

Wash me to the sea.


  1. How many days/weeks before you can cuddle again?

    Sunglasses are good for hiding tears but my nose always gets runny >_< and then red...

  2. ok ... the nose was probably a give-away :)

    cuddling will commence in a few weeks.

    today after writing this blog, i was able to cuddle papi's arm. at least i'm allowed on the bed now

    it's been so nice to talk to you today girlie

  3. I don't know what to say, but then there is nothing that would change how you feel.

    I wish I lived closer, then I'd walk on the beach with you and let you cry on my shoulder for a bit.
    Have a bit of my strength so you can cope until Papis well enough to give you some.
    I'm sure once the recovery process truly begins you will have a happier stronger spouse, then perhaps you will see a good to all this.
    I have looked for you on facebook - I check the chat each time I log in. Inbox me. xxx

  4. i've been quite quiet on facebook. i chat in the evenings when the pain is the worst. i believe it's the middle of the night for you.

    i will inbox you.

    i will try to stay strong.

    i love you


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