Tuesday, June 14, 2011

patience patients ...

People pleaser.

That's what some of us become when we've felt that we need to be loved more.  It never really works though.  You just come across as needy.

Then there's the other end of the pendulum:


At that point, you come across as someone who nobody really wants to be around.  However, you attract the people pleasers and your bidding is done.

Balance is really the key to everything in life.  It really is the most important rule to remember.

So, here I am lying in bed because I've put my back out.  I'm pretty sure it's because I tried so hard to keep up with the demands brought upon me that I stressed myself out to a point where my back had to take all the flack.

I know I can't afford this kind of stress.  I know that my injuries are affected by it, but when you're in the throws of insanity, it's hard to recall anything you're 'supposed' to.

hello brain injury. fuck my memory sucks.

I frantically ran around getting everything done.  I was quite grateful for the extra cardio as my heart would pound out of my chest from going up and down the stairs so many times and scratching another item off the list.

Alas, the caretaker has become the patient.

Poor Papi.  My love was thinking that there would be a wife at home who'd be the caretaker.


Now I'm flat on my back asking for Papi's help.

My love has to change all the dressings alone.  But then again, mi esposo told me it's easier without me.

Papi also told me I'm too much of a stress case to be around.

Wouldn't it be fucked up if my anxiety over this transgender journey actually drove away Papi?  Imagine if I wound up single and divorced after all I went through to try to stick this marriage out amidst a male transformation.

I would crumble.

time to take a look at that...

I just need some downtime from this brain.  I really need to have a simple life with a simple job and a simple relationship.

gimme a break

I'm sure Papi could use a breather from my anxiety too.

The common denominator is me.

How do I do this though?  How do I just stop the anxiety and have a hiatus from this brain, which in turn will give Papi some time out too?

My love doesn't understand how this could affect me, "I didn't do this to you.  It's not about you."

My broken record response, "But you're changing my life by changing you."

When you marry someone, two hearts become one.  So, yes, this is happening to me too.

You know when hell has frozen over and you look back and laugh?

I need that time to come now.

I need to get off this emotional roller coaster.  The slides down that hill aren't as fun as they used to be.  How about we just play on the bumper cars for a little while?

one day at a time.

I'm so tired and broken, but I need my beautiful relationship back.

It's hard when you can't even hug your soul mate, because there's a barrier of stitches, gauze, tape and pain.

At least we can hold hands.  I still feel Papi's love through those strong hands.


  1. Oh Andrea I ache for you. You really need to cut yourself some slack. YOU are allowed some emotions too. And have a right to not feel guilty for feeling them. (((hugs)))

  2. jamie is right, you need time too. if my husband told me tomorrow that he wanted to transition, i don't know what i'd do. i mean, i guess i'd deal with it, but it would NOT be fun, would NOT be easy, and would NOT be wanted (from my stand point). so keep on keeping on, take your time, keep standing by E, but keep standing up for yourself. you can do this...hell...you ARE doing this!!!
    love you A

  3. oh...and take care of yourself!!!!! STOP overdoing it!

  4. can't overdo it today lol! can't even walk sit up :(

  5. Bless your heart... I know all about being a caretaker and all of that shiznit...

    At times, I just don't think we can help being who and what we are...


  6. i'm learning to accept who i am shoes :)


  7. I don't think your back went because of stress, I think it went so you would have no choice but to slow down, breathe and take stock.

    And something tells me that if you had the 'simple' things you ask for you'd be bored after a week....x

  8. could be bored ... big possibility lol!


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