Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Grow baby Grow

Here's what I'm learning.

I was petrified during The Countdown, because I didn't know what to expect.

I was terrified when Papi told me there was a male transformation in my future.

I was paralyzed with fear of seeing the 5 Foot Clitoris.

I shook with nausea when hormones started, because I thought my love would change into the hideous person I had in my mind's eye.

All of it was fear of the unknown.

This is what I'm afraid of.

Now, in 2 more sleeps, I pick up mi esposo from the airport.  I'm feeling as though I may pass out from the fear of what I'll see now that the bandages are taken off, and the tubes are gone.

I have to face it head on.  I have to actually see it now.

I'm sick to my stomach, I'm shaking, I'm not dealing with it very well.

I'm at my threshold.  This right here is my limit.

This is why I couldn't handle the flight from hell.


Will all be fine after I witness my love's transformation.

This I know.

So far, the ground hasn't opened up and swallowed me whole.  So far, I haven't died from fear.  So far, I've dealt with every single blow and got back up swinging.

I can cry all I want right now, because I know that it's only fear of the unknown.

does that make it any easier?

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be sick.

I just wish that my logic would tell that part of my brain that's disturbed to calm down.

I honestly feel like that possessed child on the plane that was out of control.

minus the thrashing about ... i really could though ... nobody would know

I'll maintain my composure like I always do.  I'll fool everyone around me that 'I'm ok'.  I'll get busy at work and distract that horrid brain wave that is telling me I won't make it through.

breathe ...

My day today should be MUCH better than yesterday.  Today is tomorrow.  I love tomorrow.  It's always so much better than today.

Here's a tiny bit of positive though; I actually had a moment of joy for Papi.  A moment where I could feel happiness for my love.  I had a moment of allowing mi esposo the glee, and in turn I felt it for my love.

Possibly excitement for Papi?

Whatever that feeling is that I was experiencing, the nasty part of my brain that still wants to act like a teenager stomped her feet, clenched her fists and stuck that lip out further than it's ever pouted.

"NO!!!!  You may not feel those happy thoughts.  You're pissed off dammit!"

Gawd she's a pain in the fucking ass.

When the hell is she ever going to grow up?!?!?!?!?

I suppose I should give her these next few days of grieving and anger.  She's going to have to deal with it when the unveiling comes.

shock, horror

I'm a mess.

And I thought The Countdown was for the surgery.


It's still fucking going.

Pardon me while I go ralf.

that was a waste of a good coffee.


  1. You'll be fine.

    It's just a couple of scars - admittedly scars where breasts used to be, but is that what your afraid of...not what you will see but what you won't ?

    But from what you say I'm guessing you already have a much happier Papi :)

  2. I am keeping my hopes up A, that in all of these, love will pull you through. ♥

  3. dirty, i honestly don't know what is so scary. change?

    psycho, i'm starting to see this as truth xo

  4. You will be ok! The unknown is always worse than what really is!! Your stronge...believe in yourself!

  5. it really is the unknown that is the worst. really. it's hard to be strong during these times.


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