48 hours

D Day.

The Countdown.

48 hours.

All I can say is thank gawd for work.  I'm so exhausted working 11 hour days of non-stop work that I really don't have time to cry.

My eyes will well, but then I find myself pressing buttons on the screen that tell me where to go for my next jaunt, or I'm getting up and out to help someone who has less mobility than I.

I did get to watch my love's plane leave right from underneath the take off path.  I did get to film it.  It was heartbreaking waiting for it to go, but when Papi passed over me, I felt mi esposo's love and happiness filled my heart.

The next day, I was able to start my taping of this experience.  That was really hard.

I was a blubbering mess when I really started to talk about the experience on the whole.  I really put 6 months of pain into a 10 minute monologue of story telling.

I suppose it's ok, because the video really does show how I can go from normal speaking to blubbering in a matter of seconds when it comes to my love's male transformation.

I got through the hormones with some acceptance that turned into healing from that neck of the journey.

However, The Countdown to top surgery is the next hurdle.

My stomach turns.

My mind wants to rush me to another thought.

denial ain't a river in egypt

Like I said, I'm grateful to be working to give my mind a break.

I got to speak to Papi on Facebook last night.  It was 3 a.m. in Florida and I'd just come back from work, still donning my uniform.

We were both so tired, but it was necessary just to have a connection for a moment, even if it was virtual.

Well, today I pack, do another 11 hour shift, then come home to prepare.

I leave at about 4 a.m. tonight.

my stomach ... it just keeps turning.

I put a call out to some Trust List friends who had been through this, and requested some talk time with them when I get to Florida.

Of course, I was greeted with love and a bunch of "Of course!  Anytime!!"

Yet I'm so afraid that when the time comes that I need to actually get words out of my head, I won't use my safety net of this circle of love.

don't speak ...

The flip side is, I may just talk about something else.  You know?  Denial?

I'm terrified.

I'm nauseated.

One sweet soul reminded me to eat to stay strong.  Good advice.

I will go eat my breakfast now, even if my stomach is telling me to do otherwise.

This hurts.