Sometimes I have to wonder what my thought process provokes in me.
I had a dream that Papi told me, "I'm going to go shopping for hooves."
"What? Why on earth would you need hooves?"
Papi replied with all seriousness, "I no longer feel like I'm a male. I feel like I"m more of an animal, not a man."
My love then turned into a bull type of animal-ish 'thing'.
Papi had horns and a ring through the septum, along with hairy paws and hooves.
In my dream I had also said, "If you do this, I'll seriously divorce you. You've put me though enough with the male transformation."
It was at that point I woke up.
I woke feeling that my love being a male would be better than mi esposo being an animal.
I don't really know what's going on with my drawing in of energy with this whole journey either. It seems I can't see anything on any TV channel that isn't Chaz Bono going on about his sex change.
He's fucking EVERYWHERE!!!
Even in the goddam Dominican Republic he's there with Spanish subtitles.
really?!?! i don't even get reprieve here?!?
They showed pictures of his top surgery. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and expire.
Today, Papi said with sincerity and love, "I know you don't want to talk about this honey, but I need to. I'm really scared. I'm afraid I'm going to get put under and never wake up."
I assured my love, "That is not going to happen. It's very rare that this happens, so it's not going to happen."
Damn right it's not going to happen. I just made it through the worst of the hell of this journey and I'm not going to lose mi esposo while under the knife.
nope ... not going to happen.
My love asked me if I was afraid of the jaw surgery, and I giggled, "No! I'm looking forward to getting it done so that my teeth match better and I can open my mouth properly."
Mi esposo also said, "I'm not sure I want to get a hysterectomy now. That's serious and it's going to be be hard."
Papi asked me if I'm going to be ok with measuring the liquid that comes out of the tubes ...
oh god, am i 'ok'? ... 'ok'?
... then proceeded to tell me that I won't be there for when the tubes come out.
I felt very sad that I wouldn't be there. I felt Papi's fear, sadness and knew that my love really needed to have me there.
I wish I could be there for Papi, even if it would pain me to see the end result.
I think that I am going to make this journey a video blog. I believe that it needs to be something that I can look back on and see how my thought process could change over the years.
It's also a chance to have my love be there alone and get Papi's video blog on record. We'll both be apart for the last part of it and it would make for a good visual for me to see what my love will be feeling while I'm not there.
the countdown ... it's biting me again ... sharp teeth ... talons in my back impeding my escape ...
Maybe I could put a nice little cover on it like the one we just received from the front desk, "Memory of my Vacation in Dominacan Republic," including the palm trees, starfish and ocean ...
the dream ...