Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Silence of the Lambs

She said, "It's not that we didn't notice you disappeared, it's just that we wanted to give you your space.  I wouldn't want to taint you with the pain I felt when I had to go through it, because maybe your experience was different."

maybe i'm a rah-rah-tranny and you're afraid i would judge you adversely?

My response started my tears, "But I needed to know you were there.  I needed to hear that I'm not horrible for the feelings I have."

Like a big sister who had walked my path before, I heard, "We're taught NOT to speak about it.  We're taught that the person transitioning needs support.  We're taught that we need to be the strong one, because we're not supposed to be hurt by this."

My fire grew deeper, "I will not be silenced."

No, I will not stay dormant while my love changes into the person I didn't marry.  I will be there when another person feels there is nobody to talk to.

I will scream from the mountains, "This fucking hurts like hell!"

You Rah-Rah-Trannies will have another thing coming if you think that you're the only ones that get to be heard.

My time has come.

All of those that feel that I should be the supportive wife, the person who just 'takes' it with a smile, the quiet mouse who must grieve in silence, lest I hurt the transgendered person's feelings will not win.

I'm hurting.

I'm terrified.

I'm grieving.

I'm losing my sweet butch I married.

No, this I can promise you; I will not be silenced.

I received another email last night from a sweet soul who saw me on that day that lasted an eternity.  She wrote, "I've never seen you looking so fragile and so sad before.  I just want to know if you're ok."

I wrote back in honesty that I was not ok.  I'm hurting, and that day was an awful day to live.

Another one that may be added to the Trust List.  They just keep coming.

Maybe it's because I need the support now that the countdown has arrived.  Maybe my energy is pulling those toward me because this will be a difficult time.  Maybe I need them.

Maybe I pushed everyone away for those 6 weeks.  Maybe they were my first steps to laying down and commencing the wanting of death.

Maybe now I'm learning to ask for help.


All I know is, I thought the hardest part was over.  I thought that acceptance would be the biggest hurdle.

Oh no, it is not.

I'm counting the days until the symbol of my love's femininity has been torn from me.

Papi is starting to get Helium Voice.  The voice that all F-Ms get when the hormones start to transform them into more of a male being.

I've told mi esposo how much I hate that voice.  It's coming and my love is excited.

I'm doing my best just to ignore it.

It's hard however, when Papi is jumping up and down like a child on X-Mas morning, "Can you hear it?!  It's coming!  You have to admit it's coming!!"

No my love, I don't have to admit it.

I have to deal with it.


  1. Wow Mija, I can't even begin to imagine what that's like. I am so often left speechless after reading your thoughts. It's so humbling when someone puts you ina situation for which you have nothing to say. As wise as I've always made myself out to be, I know nothing.

    Thanks for the trip so far.

  2. rafa, i never would have been able to imagine it either ... i never thought i'd have to imagine it, live it ...

    thank you for being here

  3. Hannibal Lecter: First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek?
    Clarice Starling: He kills women...
    Hannibal Lecter: No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What needs does he serve by killing?
    Clarice Starling: Anger, um, social acceptance, and, huh, sexual frustrations, sir...
    Hannibal Lecter: No! He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer now.
    Clarice Starling: No. We just...
    Hannibal Lecter: No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don't you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want?

    Strange as it may seem my sweet A, your emotional honesty and fortitude is enviable. I guess it's true what they say, you are never given something you can't handle. Stay loved A. Hugs.

  4. I'm happy for you that the trust list is growing but sad for the loss you're feeling.

    Anyways you know I'm here xxx

  5. You know I was just thinking that this would be like my husband changing into something I didn't want! I know I could not be as brave as you have been. Thinking of you!!

  6. psycho, you know, that just fit too well. i am hoping my honesty is there to reach those who are feeling as i am

    dirty, i was thinking about your feelings of loss today as well. you know you and my blogger-sphere friends are all part of my trust list :)

    gayle, you'd be surprised at what you'll do for loved, i never knew i could do this ... never thought i'd have to ... love is powerful and sometimes painful


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