Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'll see what I want

Another added Trust List friend.

She came over last night to keep me company, have a chat, just be with me.  She had seen me on the never-ending day, and asked if I'd like to hang out for a talk.

This is someone who has a very similar heart to mine.  I almost called this gem in December while I was feeling suicidal.  I knew she'd understand, because she has also frequented the Pit of Doom.

More than once.

We are kindred hearts.  I've always been attracted to her energy, yet somehow we just have never bonded.  It's just the way it goes.  Right place at the right time brings what you need in life.

You never really know what you need until it hits you.  It's at that point you have the 'ah-ha' moment.

Last night we talked a mile a minute without so much as a break in the conversation.  We could barely catch our breath in our repartee, because there was too much to share.  There was too much to agree with in each other.  There was so much in fact that we really need a few more of those hangouts to even catch up to each other to get on the page.

You know the page.

The one where you don't even have to say anything to know what the other one means?  We were almost there last night.

We have just been waiting in the wings for the opportunity to come together and now is that time.

She is very much like me in the sense that she will upfront ask a butch if they intend to transform into an  F-M.  She's attracted to the androgyny just as I am.  She wants the anomaly of this beauty.

She doesn't want to be with a transgendered person who will change into someone else before her eyes.

Papi just doesn't understand this.  "But, I'm still me," mi esposo will plead.

Yes, my love, inside you are.  But outside you are becoming a stranger.  I married the perfect butch.  I was ready to live happily ever after with my butch.

I got to be married to my butch for 4 months.

enter the morph ...

I adore my love.  I cherish every piece of that sweet soul that I'm so fortunate to love, and be loved by.

As my tears fall, Papi's will well up with the sorrow of hurting me.  "I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you."

"You're not doing anything to me my love.  It's just our path in our relationship."

I will always see my love as the butch I married.  Papi can become as masculine as the next, but I will always hold the wife I married in my heart.

This is the reason for my resistance.

I battle all notions of this male I must accept, so that I may win the fight to see what I want to see.

My butch.

This person behind the mask.

When my added Trust List heart and I spoke about The Countdown, she made me realize something.  I was actually ok with Papi have top surgery before the news that there would be a transition.

I suddenly felt the removal of my love's breasts would negate the feminine side of my dear butch.

No, this is not the case.

My love has never had a true feminine side.  My love has always been a masculine woman.

The Countdown is really about the finality of loss.

I'm mourning because it is the signification of the end.

I have to accept this ending.  I have to say goodbye to my butch.  It will be at this point that people will see Papi as more male.

Me however?

I'll see my butch, minus a bit of chest fat.


  1. I know it's not the same, but I often tell people that I can look at sons freinds that I have known since they were 8 and see that they are men and women now. But when I look at son I just don't see that - I still see my little boy, and I always will - no matter how he changes in appearance.

    And there, my friend, is another analogy we share.
    Papi will always be your butch just as son will always be my baby.

  2. That's so crazy. You're actually living through the "better or worse" that we married people always say. yet so few are actually tested. This is its truest scenario. To watch that person completely change physically to the point where you can't VISUALLY recognize them but your connection remains solely at a spiritual level. This has got to be the truest example of what a marriage is.

    U better not even THINK of not continuing to blog when u get to DR!!

  3. @dirty, this is truly how i'm feeling ... you nailed it on the head ... papi will always be my butch ... as much as my love wishes otherwise

    @rafa, 100% for better or worse. and you better believe i'll be blogging in the DR ... i'm so excited to be in such a beautiful place, i'll have to write about it!!!!!

  4. i never know what to write but want to comment and say hugs and hope your vacation is fun :)

  5. alex you never have to write something to try to help or feel like you need to add input my dear.

    just to drop by and say hi is all i need xoxo

  6. I think DCG is spot on. Can't add much to what she said A. Love ya. <3

  7. yeah psycho ... dirty has it down :) and it makes me feel like i'm on track.

  8. Little by little your trust list grows...that's a good thing!
    Will you be posting pictures of your vacation? I'm so jealous! I've never really had a true vacation like you will get to have.... exotic and all. LOL

  9. i will probably be posting pics :) i am looking forward to some beautiful distraction and quality time xo


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