Sunday, May 1, 2011

Shadow Boxing

Need I say I had an emotional day yesterday?

Isn't it just a given now that the emotions become overwhelming and that 'you', my imaginary friend must listen?

It was emotional yesterday.

I feel that every day is inching toward the end.  One day runs into the next and The Countdown is shrinking.

I had plans to be with 2 (and I believe I will be adding one more from last night) of my most recent Trust List friends.  I needed this.  I needed to be in an environment where the power femmes understood me.  Those who had traveled this road prior and can merely look into my eyes without saying a word, and their insides cry for me.

They understand.

I almost didn't make it.  Papi had a horrible happening at the safe house.  One of the clients there passed away while my love was working, but mi esposo just thought this client was sleeping.  Hell!  I would too!  It's the middle of the night for chrissakes.

However, Papi got the phone call that there was a deceased person, and they didn't know if it was suicide or an accidental overdose.  This poor soul has been suicidal from pain for a long time.

The hardest part of this?  Papi's bff is the niece.  This bff is also coming to stay with us for a couple of months while she works on getting her life together and gets her permanent home.  She will also be looking after our critters while we're away.

Papi dashed out the door to go rescue the bff and left me in the dust.

Left me in my pajamas saying, "I'm not sure what time I'll be home or anything.  I don't know if she needs me to take her to her family or not."

My plans were canceled.  I live quite far from all my friends.  Vancouver is a pretty spread out city and I'm at the furthest end.

I was almost in tears and felt a bit like a child ready to have a temper tantrum.  My opportunity to be with my femmes crushed.  My early dinner with allies would not be happening, as an emergency has arisen.

I felt so selfish that I was feeling left out and left behind.

it's not always about you, miss thing

I was looking forward to this dinner ever since those two became a part of the Trust List.

Papi stopped in with the fragile bff, mourning the loss of her aunt, and decided to drive me to the dinner and pick me up later.

I was grateful for this, but I was in such a negative mood, I wasn't sure I should go.

that black cloud is not sexy

I went.

I cried.

I ate mushy food with my tongue.

I laughed.

I was loved.

I choked on food that was too big to go down my esophagus whole.

fucking braces ... when do i get to chew?!?!?!

Papi's caretaking of the bff was finished, I was picked up from the dinner and then my love had a new surprise to deal with.

oh no papi, you don't get just one person having a meltdown today ... your caretaking hasn't ended

I broke down and reverted back to the fears, tears and pain.

"You're taking away my wife, my beautiful butch I married.  Every part of this that you do changes who you are piece by piece."

The tears came from my toes.  My heart ached, but Papi just kept saying, "I'm so sorry.  I love you so much."

My love's biggest fear is that I'm going to leave.

No.  I'm a fighter.  I'll stay.

Even if I'm in the boxing ring fighting myself.

I make a mean opponent.


  1. I thought of you today - plan is that I'm going to Barcelona to spend the weekend after his birthday with son and he texted me that it isn't long - and then I remembered what that day is in your world.

    I'm the person who wrote a post entitled 'change is good' a while ago - guess I was wrong. xx

  2. change is what it is my dear ... change is never easy ... we're like cats ... shy away from the change ... i hide under the bed :)

  3. Hmm....just a shame we can't do what cats do for comfort when they're stressed, but sadly our spines arent that flexible lol :)

  4. maybe that flexibility will be my new mission lol! cat yoga

  5. Awwwww *hug* You can't catch a break! I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I wish I could help somehow.

  6. My dear A. You make me feel your hurt and pain.
    But once a "slugger", always a "slugger." My Dad always thought I'd make a good soldier. Maybe because I would rather die fighting with my boots on, no matter the odds. I always thought it is a downside. But in times like these, that character in your soul is the one that pulls you up. The rest of the body is weak and aching, but the spirit will always refuse to be defeated. Change is always frightening. What happens next is the most terrifying. Then it becomes a norm and you move on to the next change. C'est la vie.

  7. @bio, you help by being there for me ... ty

    @psycho, it's true ... it's the change, the unknown is terrifying. i've been a slugger all my life ... for sure ... i know you are too ... i see it xo

    thank you for your friendship all

  8. I would be so scared ..........I hate change! Thinking of you!

  9. i am scared gayle ... this countdown continues ... i'm back to work, so at least i have a distraction for now :)


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