Friday, May 6, 2011

'Good' Morning?

I woke with anxiety.

The rushing of blood through my heart pounded and I wondered why I'm having this experience.

the sleeping pills should've done their job dammit!

Then my first thought ran to a cheesy song I wrote for 'Ms. Thing'.  It's titled "I'm In Love" and it's a silly little ditty that I wrote for this comedy.

So strange to go from anxiety to silly in a matter of seconds, but that's what this brain of mine does.  That's why I need sleeping pills to keep it tame.

It didn't take long for my mind to walk over to The Countdown.  No, it was a short jaunt to that part of my psyche.

I realized at that point that there's no use in staying in bed with a pounding heart and wandering mind.

I realized that I would be able to have enough time to speak to 'you', my imaginary friend, if I actually got my ass out of bed.

I made my breakfast with coffee and sat down with you.

My heart however?

Still pounding.

We leave in less than a week to go to the Dominican Republic.

damn good thing because this winter that never seems to end is really pissing me off.

Normally, a vacation creeping up on you and taking you by surprise would be a wanted thing.  But I don't look forward to this day.

My hands shake thinking about what comes next.

My vacation is only a goodbye to my love's breasts.  This is my time to have all the time I need without interruption.

It will be a beautiful site with luscious trees and beautiful people, but it's the beginning of farewell.

Yesterday, Papi posted a new profile pic.  It almost had me in tears.  My love looks more like a male and it killed me.

I love the anomaly of androgyny.  It's what I'm attracted to.  My love has this, but now the pendulum seems to be swinging toward one side more than the other.

Papi is definitely looking more masculine.

This picture is just another reminder of this path.

My love asked me if I liked it.

I had to be honest, "No, it doesn't look like you."

One of the comments under this picture was from someone from the Trust List.  It read, "My kids said you look like a bloke."

My love's reply, "I've always liked your kids."

I love those kids too.

but do you have to encourage this?!?!


My sweet butch.



  1. So which one of you is Dominican? Or are you going there for another reason? i'm sorry i'm just trying to get it all together.

  2. neither of us are dominican :) we want to move somewhere warm that will allow us ... cuba would be great, but of course they don't let people move to their country ... mexico would let us move for 6 months at a time, but not all pets ... and dominican will allow us to live there with our pets, work and be there full time.

    beautiful country and my accident injuries will be happy happy happy ... then i'll get a goat lol!

    ok ... i'm rambling ... but that's part of the story

  3. Oh my sweet A. Your Papi is still there ... inside. I know the wrapping and the book cover can always be distracting. But deep in your heart, you know Papi is still there, but I understand the slow, painful process of coping.


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer