Side effect: Paranoia

Ok.

So I started my first day of consciously learning.  Last night I started to read the first link that Papi sent me: Hudson's Guide: Myth's and Misconceptions about Testosterone, Transition, and Trans Men.

I read the first Myth's title and snickered a little.  It was the Myth I was terrified about.  I felt a little stupid in thinking that Myth number one was one of my biggest fears.

Myth #1: Taking testosterone ("T") for transition will make trans men uncontrollably angry and volatile, or cause "'roid rage."
This is one of the most common myths about FTM transsexuals who take testosterone, but there is no compelling evidence to support such a sweeping generalization.

No matter!  Papi has proven to me that I get the same silly love that I married.

Great.  Got that one down.

Myth number two stuck out a little.  I never thought about the negative, health side effects from the poison my love injects into his ass.

But good to know.  Hormones don't cause cancer.

The next few had me rolling my eyes as if to say, "C'mon.  I'm not that ill informed!  Gimme something I can learn!"

Really though, number three?!?  Hormones will make you taller?!?  I'm not completely daft.

Number four confirmed that taking hormones will not shrink breasts, and number five let me know that breasts won't grow back if Papi stops taking hormones.

Ok.  But then there was number six.

I was comfortable reading that it is a Myth is that hormones will make you gay.

Well, that was good enough for me, but then they had to add the disclaimer!

After telling me that it's a Myth, they went on to say that some people become gay after they transition!

Myth #6: Taking testosterone will make you gay.
Some trans men may find that their sexual feelings and attractions shift after starting testosterone therapy, while others may not.

That was enough to throw me into a tailspin!  Maybe Papi will be gay!!!

Oh, no!  My love likes to watch fag porn.

Then there's someone from my Trust List that told me their guy started sleeping with guys after the transition!

Oh my fucking God!

So, that was as far as I could read.  I started thinking that this was it.

I mean, I can't possibly just come to acceptance and now it's all roses.  My life is never that easy.

A new honorary Trust List member wrote to me and told me of her analogy of life.

I used to have a cat that loved to play with mice. he would catch them in the yard and terrorize them.  He didn't want to eat them, or hurt them, he just wanted to play.  Of course, the mice didn't understand this.  I can only imagine how terrified they were.

Last year I told my mom like I felt like "god" was the cat and I was the mouse.  I think the analogy applies to your life as well.  I have had a tremendous amount of adversity in my life, not quite as bad as yours, but pretty damn close.

At first all I could think about was that fortunately, I don't believe in a 'god'.  So that didn't instill fear in me.

I get the analogy.  Because, yeah!  I can't get off that easy.

Yesterday I said I was ready for acceptance, and what happens?!?

I may not believe in a 'god', but for sure there is some kind of cosmic force that just uses me as a science experiment to see how my a brain can really take.

I finally went to sleep last night after reading Myth #6, ...

... thank you nature's pain reliever ...

... but now I have all day to wait for my love to get up so I can find out if I might be left in the dust while Papi goes out and chases the fags down on Davie Street!

So, here I sit at noon, knowing my love won't be up to speak to until about 7 or 8, because Papi is executing the Graveyard Coma.

I'll have to wait.

Wait!

Papi's alarm just went off!  That's right!  Papi has an appointment.  I took this opportunity to ask the question as quickly as I could to relieve my ailing heart.  Before my love could make a move, I asked the blurry eyed rushing to the washroom esposo, "Are you gay?!?!?!?"

"Whata?!?!  Are you serious?!?!  You were afraid I'm going to leave you for a Tranny Chaser and now you're afraid I'm going to leave you for a fag?!?!  Honey!  I'm married to you!  I love you!  I can't believe you're afraid!  I have penis envy, but it's mostly curiosity.  I also am attracted to F-Ms but I've always been open about it!  You know that!"

I calmed down a little, then started to realize that it may have been a little bit because of the 'new meds' I'm taking.  "Well, I guess I shouldn't have read it while on the new pain killers."

Papi's indignance filled the room, "I knew it!  I knew it!  I thought it the other night and now I know it's true!  The pot meds are making you insecure about our relationship!!"

Oh.

Now I remember why I quit smoking it all those years ago.

Paranoia.

Now what?