Monday, June 4, 2012

addiction, you're a fucker.

I am so fucking grateful to be sober, and I'm only lucky to be so.

I've lost friends over the past few years to alcohol.  They haven't died yet.  I've simply had to let them go.

I've suffered the repercussions of others drinking, by being betrayed by them stealing from me, or worse, putting my faith in one who I trusted with my family members, only to find they were snap drunk the whole time, and broke my trust.

I've had friends ask for help, but I know I can't help them.

It's up to each and every one of us to see that our lives are worth living, and that addiction is not worth our pain.

No matter how much you drink, your problems will never go away.  Ok, that's not completely true.  If you die, your problems are gone, but then so are you.

Let me tell you, the pain doesn't go away from being sober either.  Life is just plain hard.

It's mother fucking hard!

Anyone who's life isn't hard, is only lucky that they have such a life, and it's rare.

And fuck am I ever envious of you!

However, your path is different than mine.  You may not learn from mistakes because you're not making any.   Who knows, maybe it'll kick you in the ass later on, but that's not my problem.

My problem is loving people who are currently addicted.  My heart breaks, and I get frustrated and/or scared.

I spent the evening celebrating a friend's birthday by being brutally honest about her heading down the slope at such an increasing speed that I'm afraid, and I can't just sit and watch it happen.  I can't enable.  I have to be honest, because it scares the fuck out of me.

When I get scared, I get short fused.

When I get short fused, I speak before thinking.

When I speak before thinking, I hurt people.

I apologized this morning, but it still doesn't mean that my behaviour needs to be forgiven by her.  I'm the only one that needs to forgive myself, because ultimately, I'm the one I answer to in the evening.

It was her birthday dammit! Still, I couldn't just let her get away with celebrating her day without responding to her statement, "I'm so stressed out, I need a drink," with the question, "What is a drink going to do for you to fix your problem?"

She couldn't answer the question.  She only focused on rationalization, because she wanted the drink.

Earlier on in the day, someone very special to me had said, "I don't want to quit drinking because I love it."

I told them, "Well, it doesn't love you!"  No, that demon's nectar is currently on a mission to kill one of the most important people in my life.  They've been told time is almost up and it's serious.

I'm being handed challenges in every corner of my world, with people who are struggling with their addiction.

I suppose my next task in this is to be able to just allow people I care about to have their addiction, and to let them go with love.

I let so many people go who are addicted, but I haven't always done it with love.

No, I simply throw my hands in the air, roll my eyes and walk away, or rather, run as fast as I can.

Only this time, I can't.  I'm being forced to see it in people I love so much, and someway, somehow, I have to allow it to happen around me, even if the results are devastating to my heart.

Maybe it's time to visit my good friend Al-Anon to deal with it all around me.  They just better not be throwing around the 'god' crap, or my visit will be short lived.

Anyway, this is an open apology to anyone who is currently struggling:  I'm sorry that I don't know how to handle your addiction.  I'm sorry that I'm horribly afraid for you, and that I am blunt about it.

This is also my opportunity to say that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be upset about it.

I care.  Maybe a bit too much.

i will not be afraid to move out of my comfort zone.  some of my best life experiences and opportunities will transpire, only if i dare to lose.


  1. Very powerful post Andrea! The title of your post says it all... My kids and I are still dealing with the huge crater-sized hole that my ex-wife's addiction has left in our lives.

    1. kevin i'm so damn sorry.

      i lost my relationship with my father because of it. so many of us lose because of it.

      when someone is addicted, we ALL lose.

      if addiction was a person, i'd punch them in the nose.

  2. For what it is worth, distancing isn't about you, the friend affected ... it is about the behaviour of the addicted person. I lost close friends at the height of my addiction, and I miss them very much, but I understand why they went away. Friends and family of the addicted handle a very difficult situation as best they can. I don't think they need to apologize for not being perfect.

    1. thank you for understanding gwenneth :) thank you for your honesty as well xoxoxo

  3. You should get one of those punch bags that hang from the ceiling, then you can punch the crap out of it until you excise the demons, you are right though addiction is personal to each individual and no matter how hard you try to help someone you love overcome it, not until they are ready to do it themselves will they win the battle, I know how hard it is to step back and watch and hope but, there really is no other way. Pain is a bastard but it lets you know you're alive :)
    Music and laughter the key to feeling better.

    My dog Minton just swallowed a shuttlecock bad Minton !

    1. go minton go!!!!!

      if i tried to use a punching bag now, with my new body, it would be THE BAG=1, ME=0


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