Friday, June 8, 2012

just for today ...

As I sit in this little coffee shop in the downtown core and people watch, I can't help but think about 2 days ago.

First thing in the morning, sometimes even before my 'wake up and run to the washroom' tinkle, I have to take care of the old bird upstairs.

Really, it's so I don't forget.

I walk my zombie self, complete with watery eyes and bad breath, to do the routine before I eagerly get back down the stairs to make my coffee.

The other day, one of the first things G'ma said was, "Do you know what today is?"

I answered, "Wednesday."  That wasn't what she meant.  I thought she forgot the day, which both of us tend to do as we foolishly check for the mail or newspaper on a Sunday.

Anyway, she told me what the day is.  "I was married 70 years ago today."

My heart broke, melted and rejoiced all at the same time.

"Happy anniversary!" I quickly chirped.

She didn't think it was a happy anniversary.  Her husband died a few years ago.

It saddened me that this was how she saw her day only as sadness and grief.  I asked her, "Do you think you could remember the happy memories to celebrate your day?"

We all do it.  You know what I mean?  We look at loss as our focal point.

But what about the good?  What about all the beautiful memories to remember?  Why don't we just bask in the glory of how much love we had, and celebrate it?

We are way too human for that.

Just like when an animal loses a limb, they don't worry about what the general population of fuzzy friends will think.  No, they say to themselves, "Ok.  Now I have 3 legs," then learn how to walk properly and carry on with life.

Not us humans.  We feel loss in a different way.  We're very emotionally intricate.

We also care too much about what others will think of us when we have a disability.

When I was first out of the house after my accident, people would give me looks of disgust, because they thought I was drunk.

I looked pretty drunk.  I couldn't walk alone with my cane.  I needed help.  That or a wheelchair.

But it really affected me that people would judge me so harshly after all I'd been through.

Especially because of the fact that I was clean and sober!!

However, such is our human nature.

Back to chatting about G'ma.

... but it's all about me isn't it?!!?!?!? ...

She put her whole life into her husband.  They did that in her generation.

I've heard about the G'pa.  I never got to meet him, but apparently, I would have really liked him because he was cheeky.  I wish I met him.

Regardless, nice and/or cheeky as he was, G'ma followed him to wherever he went, whatever he wanted to do and his friends became her circle.

I hope to hell that I continue to have an independent life while being coupled with my love.

I know that a lot of my life has been meshed with Papi, which is just beautiful, but I really hope that when I'm old and grey, if mi esposo leaves this planet before me, that I will still be grateful for my memories.

I hope that I will still continue to do things that I enjoy, and do them knowing that my love's spirit is always with me.

Or, I hope that I go first.

Nobody wants to be the one left behind in love.

Ah, but there I go.  Thinking about the future again.

That's human nature as well.

Right now, I'm going to enjoy the fact that I have the greatest love, and that soul mate is a part of my life.

don't dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long.  right now is life.  live it!!


  1. 70 years. Wow. It would be like losing a limb for sure. When my great grandfather died my great grandmother went "wild" (well for a woman in her eighties) in her home and traveled Europe and did all the things she wanted to do, but he could never spend the money. She said he always wanted her taken care of and she has enough money to last 10 years.... then my grandfather reminds her "Yeah, Ma, but you may live another 25 years".

    I wish we could all embrace change with peace with the past.

    1. my heart broke for her jamie. i just wanted to fix it. but obviously, there's nothing i can do but give love.

      and perhaps learn from the old farts to know how to live when i'm the old one.

      i can't imagine losing my other half ... especially after such a long life together :(

  2. How did you get so smart? poor G'ma x
    I new I wasn't human, I do not.... no that's wrong I choose not to remember the sad dates when some one you love dies, I know my Dad died some time in November 86, I know my best male friend hung himself eleven years ago,I know my lovely cuddly squishy G'ma died 3 years ago, I loved theses people with all my heart and people do think I'm strange because I don't get all maudlin on a specific day every year and feel their loss, which I think is weired I feel the loss of all of them every time I think of them so why would I want to remember the day I lost them it serves no purpose but to cause pain, I choose to remember them in laughter and the good times we had and the bad times I don't care what people think of me, I love me :)
    In England people put a notice in the paper every year on the anniversary of a death to let all the strangers who read the death notices know how much they loved and miss them, I don't need the approval of anyone else I know how much I love the people I have lost and I don't need others to know so it makes me feel better does that make me weired?

  3. doesn't make you weird at all. i would never 'celebrate' someone's death.

    i would rather celebrate their good memories. of course, i've had to get past hurt to get there, but i get there.

    you are destined to have a happy life if you celebrate the good. :) xoxo


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