Friday, June 29, 2012

here comes the hurt.

There is so much more than just selling things to deal with.

Now come the emotions around and within us.

Papi and I have to be prepared that we're going to find all kinds of reactions, because people are hurt that we're leaving.

This says we're loved greatly, but it still doesn't feel good when someone I would never expect to give low blows, did.

I forgive.

Still, I am hurt.

I understand where she's coming from, because I didn't deal with 'things' in the right way, and didn't think about her first.  I have owned up to my mistake, but she still doesn't see that I'm not abandoning our journey together.

I'm not leaving anyone or anything.  I'm just moving a little further away, which will mean that this big, massive world will seem smaller, knowing that the people I love are still close in my heart, even if they're a gazillion miles away.

We are keeping in mind that we need enough space for my baby sister to come with her family, so that means we'll be having enough space for our chosen family to be there with us as well.

I've never had so much love around me in my life, and it seems so surreal that when I find the most love, it's my turn to leave.

Still, I have to do this.

I have to go live a life in less pain.  I can't really live a life here while I'm hobbling about like an old woman, trying to function with a foggy pain med head, and moaning non-stop about that fucking bitch of a back.

I have to do this for my physical and emotional well being, even if it hurts the ones I love the most.

We have to purge everything that is replaceable and start our new life.

Still, I know that I'll be holding on to everything that can't be replaced, like the hearts in this life that I've collected very carefully, and the music that I've created, and am in the process of creating.

Those are the things that will not be left behind.

So, when one of my besties reacts in a way that is lashing out with hurtful words, it absolutely puts me into a tough spot.

I'm so sensitive, and when someone attacks me with anger, I retreat.

I cry, then I hide.

I forgive, and I love, even while the wounds to my heart are weeping.

I'm so tender right now, and it doesn't help matters that we found out only a few days ago that G'ma is going into the home sooner than we thought.

They called us to tell us her day is this coming Tuesday.

We're dealing with all those emotions as well.

Not to mention, someone informed us yesterday that if The Golden is not fit to travel, they won't allow him to.

His poor old legs are having so much difficulty holding him up now, and he's beginning to collapse all the time.

We embrace him as much as we can, because we know his time with us is short.

We know he has to say goodbye to us, but we thought that we'd be able to bring him with us to the Dominican Republic, and have him pass away with us there.

It may not work out as planned.

There is so much going on in so many corners of our lives.

The last thing I need is one of my closest friends to push the buttons that create more inner turmoil in my heart.

It hurts.

It takes away from the joy of our life decision.

We can't live our lives for anyone else, and we can only do the best we can with what we have.

What we have is a dream that's coming to reality.

Please don't rain on my parade.  I love you too much.

i am a positive and valuable contributor to all my relationships


  1. I'm sorry someone lashed out at you. People do and say crazy shit when they are hurt. I think it is very brave of you to seek out a better life.

    1. i know why she lashed out. it was partially my own selfishness, i forgot to put her in the forefront of my mind, but it's just such mayhem right now that i can't keep it all straight.

      i know she did this because she loves me, and expected more from me.

      she'll see. it will all be fine. i'll prove it to her tenfold.

  2. I agree with Jamie - it is very brave of you to move away from everything you know in order to find a better quality of life.

    1. thank you kevin ... it is quite scary and unnerving! and happy and exciting!

      so many emotions from minute to minute.

  3. She better admit her side too!

    1. well ... we'll see if that happens ... she's never spoken to me like that before, so i hope she can calm enough so that we can talk

  4. Time heals, space heals, you should put yourself first chika - she'll come around;-)

    1. don't know if she'll come around ... she deleted my fb account ... it looks like she kicked me out of the band :'(

  5. It sounds like she was the selfish one. You have a right to be happy and if that means moving somewhere different then so be it.

    1. well, there's probably more going on there than we know about. it was time for her to go. that's all i can say. her choice has to be ok with me, because i have no other options.


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