Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Would you like a nice slice of "Fuck-it-all?"

I'm not really in the mood to be writing today, but for you, I will anyway.

Here's my cake.


The two friends who actually showed up for my party wouldn't let me eat it as is.

They made me cut it.

Here's the inside.

When 12 of the 14 people called on the day of the party to say they couldn't show up, at first I thought, "Woohoo!  More cake for me!"

But it's a hell of a lot of cake to eat all alone.

... alone ...

I've been giving away a lot of it, and I've learned my lesson, yet again.

15 years ago, I told myself I would never celebrate my birthday again, because people don't show up.

When they don't show up, I get let down.

I would get so hurt, because I felt I wasn't important/loveable/popular enough for my close friends to give a shit to come celebrate my life.

This round, I know I'm loved, but the cosmos just do not allow me to honour my life by way of a gathering of loved ones. 

I guess being gathered by people I love is just never going to be in the cards for me.  Every time I'd be left alone on past birthdays, I would spend my whole day crying, wondering why I'm not good enough for the people I'm close to to show up.

Granted, this time, every single person had a good reason for not being there, but it still didn't take away from the fact that it hurt that everyone but two bailed on my day.

Of course, My Gratitude Buddy showed up later on just to be here on my day, even if it wasn't for the party.  I can always count on her and the other two that showed up.

Even on my actual birthday yesterday, only one person called me.

Here's ironic for you; it was my mother.

I spent the day wishing I never said I'd celebrate.  I spent the day wondering what the fuck is wrong with me?

... i spent the day crying and admitting to someone about how on my birthday, every year, i secretly wish i was dead and i hide from the world... shhh ... don't tell anyone ...

Being left alone this time around is different.  I know they love me.  It's just that I went against my better judgement and thought that people would actually show up because it is my last birthday here in Vancouver.

Didn't matter.  People got sick or whatever and again, yet again, my heart was broken.

I spent $350 on steak, salmon, cake enough to feed an army, alcohol for my drinking friends/family and the list goes on.

I could've used that for the bills that are screaming at me.

I'm pretty much just going to cancel my week, eat cake and cry the sugar out of every pore in my body.  I haven't actually stopped crying since My Gratitude Buddy left late Sunday evening.

And people always ask me, "Why don't you ever celebrate your birthday?"

Well, when even the closest loving people in my life are somehow energetically stopped from coming, there's just no fucking point.

You can bet I won't be bothering with a 'leaving the country party'.

Nobody will show up.

I'll just go away quietly and build a new life with Papi.  I can always count on Papi to make my day wonderful. 

And to give me clonazepam to stop the tears.

if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting


  1. You should have invited me! I mean, there was cake. And other food. I'm good at showing up. Sorry it was not a good day. I sure as hell had better see you before you fly away!

    1. véronique, you definitely would have shown. i know that. i was testing the waters by having a 'small' party of my constant friends in my life.

      really, it was just the people who were in our wedding party an family.

      alas, i learned my lesson the hard way. i won't do that again. it's back to one on one greetings for me.

  2. Aw, A that sucks. I've long ago stopped invitational parties. No matter how much you know your loved the feeling of people canceling sucks.

    1. Damn hit send too early. Happy birthday.

    2. it really does jamie. this is why i don't do it.

      not worth it for this sensitive heart.

      'happy' birthday? not so much. just birth. day.

      it's only a number.

  3. I was talking about you the other day to the girls at work, about the crazy bird who sings really well, I grabbed a laptop from one of the guys and typed in Bluelight we sat and had our break listening to you sing :)
    All the way over in England you make people smile, cheer up chuck and eat cake until you upchuck ha ha xxx

    1. oh i ate it alright. whole fucking thing.

      and sweety, spreading around the bluelight tunes is the nicest birthday present i could ask for.

      thank you for letting them know about this crazy bird :)

  4. aw, hope you're feeling better now ♥

    1. i am sweety. thank you for being here xoxo

  5. :( I would have come. And I really hope that you have a going away party. But I also understand what you are feeling. Big hugs!!

    1. brandy, i so would have invited you. i really only invited my wedding party and blood family.

      but as for the going away party, i don't think i could handle the heartache of nobody showing up.

      i just can't do it.

  6. I don't think you could be sweeter Brandy! <3

  7. I feel like a dirt bag. I love you guys so much.

    1. don't lara. it's not about that. it's about the cosmic energy in my life that won't allow me to celebrate.

      not you.

      love you.

  8. Awwww, A.....I hope you feel better, and enjoyed the surprise that Papi had for you today. Other then the one person that called you on your birthday, did you at least get a few texts from anyone other then me? Hope so. Hope the shooting range was fun!

    1. and no ... i didn't receive texts from anyone else either.

      this is why i don't celebrate.

      lesson learned.


  9. A
    I really hope you both have a going away party and invite the right ppl, sounds like there was alot of people just waiting for the invite

    D and I, and K and Z would show up and the 4 of us are a party unto our selves lol

    we will even bring food

    let me know

    you are loyal and are coming to all our events in the next mth , so you can count on us I can fill your house with ppl who would love to celabrate with you


    1. thanx donna. i know i should, but i honestly couldn't handle the heartache.

      i'll say goodbye to people one by one. that is my lot in life.


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