Saturday, June 2, 2012

not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.

Here's something Papi sprung on me this morning.  "Do you know what happened a year ago today?!"

I thought about it and freaked out.

What have I missed?!?!

What important day have I forgotten?!?!?

My love enlightened me with a proud face, "One year ago today you were sobbing your eyes out because I had my top surgery."

Oh god, yes.

Now I remember.  The Great Breast Disappearance in Florida.

I have selective memory.  That, and I've concluded my 5 stages of grief and moved on to acceptance.

I do look back at that time and realized that I may have been a little more dramatic about the whole thing, but hindsight truly is 20/20.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

But isn't that the story of our lives?

It's why we're here in this beautiful life.

To learn.

My love's scars on his chest are calming down now.  They seem to be less angry.

So do I.

Everything seems back to normal now.

I guess.

Here's something funny.

I think Papi's chin hair is kinda cute.

Yes.  I said cute.

It used to freak me out, even just to think about the fact that there would be hair there.

It's no longer just face fuzz.  It's more bristly now, but it's sweet looking.

Maybe, it's because it's on my love.

I suppose it's because I love mi esposo so much that it just doesn't matter that there's fur there.

People see my love's changes so much more than I.

That's because I see him every day.  The changes are too slow for it to be drastic.

However, I realized that I'm seeing my love a little differently.

Still, it's hard for me to consciously think of my love as a male.

I'm not sure when that will happen, if ever.

I just see Papi as Papi.

I still can't say 'my husband'.

It's always 'my spouse'.  Other people will just jump to 'your husband' immediately in conversation.

They automatically assume that it's a male, because to this world, I'm just a straight girl.

Even as a lesbian in gay relationships, the world still sees me as straight.

It's hard to be a femme in the gay community.  We are completely invisible.

And disrespected.

And adored.

We are who we are.

Anyway, this femme is no longer searching for peace around Papi's male transformation.

I have found it.

It's called unconditional love.

we look forward to the time when the power of love replaces the love of power.  then our world will know the blessings of peace. ~ William Ewert Gladstone


  1. I love you guys so much! You inspire me to be a better person! Yay to a year passed and no more tears xo

    1. lara, we are a reflection of our wonderful friends who inspire us as well. xoxo

  2. I like that "unconditional Love" it can get you through anything ♥

    1. i don't think that i've ever had it both ways alex! i now have it and it's beautiful. very peaceful :)

  3. People are always changing, I guess. It's hard to accept.

    At least this change was intentional.

    I don't know how much easier that would have made it initially for you.

    But I like reading about it.

    1. thank you katy. and because you like to read, i keep writing.

      i think the intentional is harder. i don't know why. maybe that's a good topic for today :) thank you.

  4. That's beautiful. Truly, we shouldn't need the adjective "unconditional," because what other kind is real love? And love is wonderful.

    1. truly it is 'real' véronique.

      it truly is the only love.

      i'm only fortunate to have found it in this world. xoxo


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