Sunday, July 3, 2011


I usually don't get the chance to be out at a social gathering with Papi.  Our schedules really do clash.

Last night, I had the advantage of arriving with my love to a Trust List friend's birthday party.

It was so wonderful to have mi esposo there, however it brought some difficulty for me in the evening.

You see, my love has all the support in the world.  Every person in Papi's life is very loving towards mi esposo ...

with the exception of the 95 year old g'ma ...

... and the changes.  They are very curious or interested, and there are some people who find the camaraderie in another transgendered person.

None of that changed last night.  Every person who was in contact with Papi was asking my love how it was going, starting with the first person we saw at the door, "How are you doing with all of this?!  Is it all moving very smoothly?  How are you feeling!?"

Of course, Papi answered with glee that things are going better than expected, that my love is healing from the surgery and can lift arms a bit more now, and going back to work etc.

As the banter continues with joy and excitement, I shrink.

I want to disappear.

So much so that when they look at me, you can see it in their eyes.  The look of pity.  There is an air of tension and they stroke my arm or simply say, "I'm sorry."

Papi usually jokes and says, "Ah, she'll get over it."

There's also the part where I just stay silent.

I can't go in to detail with my oral words like I can when I'm speaking to 'you', my imaginary friend.  Here I can tell you right down to the face muscle as to how I'm feeling.

Speaking about my feelings out loud is not my forté.

Papi and the person asking questions will speak for me, speak about me, speak as if I wasn't there.

I stand with my shoulders caved in, in hopes that if I try really hard, I could just vanish.

please don't bring any more attention to me

At one point in the evening, a very nice person came to sit with us and was genuinely interested in my love's progress.  I couldn't handle another moment of pity, so I felt I had to leave the circle.

I had to go somewhere.


I casually, invisibly walked over and stood beside the birthday girl and waited for her to finish her conversation with an obviously intoxicated chum.

someone i used to have a crush on ... interesting how our tastes change over the years!

Good things come to those who wait.

This dear friend has a heart bigger than one could ever imagine.  Her soul is an innocent, youthful, magical entity.

She looked at me after saying goodbye to her ex that is still haunting her and said, "I just need to hold your hands."

I needed more.

I took her head into my bosom, and held her as if she were my own child.

Funny part was, it felt as though she was doing the same for me.

We took one another's pain and exchanged it with love.  We crawled into the same balloon of air and breathed away each others stress.

This interchange of energy was so beautiful that I felt filled.  I felt I could return to my love.

This is one of the beautiful souls in my life that I am so fortunate to have as a Trust List friend.

I really am one of the luckiest people in the world to have so much love.



  1. You know it occurs to me that if this situation were reversed - if you were a woman married to a man who decided to change sex then all the support would be coming your way. And probably very little to him, if anything he would get ridiculed and ostracised.
    Just a thought really.

    We hold your hands across cyberspace - but you know that :)X

  2. dirty you're so right. i'm so happy that my love has support. i would be devastated if anyone were to be mean to papi.

    i always feel the presence of your hands holding mine xoxoxo

  3. I have said it time and again A. You are a beautiful person and I mean totally.
    I will always be out here with my arms outstretched if you need a hug of love and reassurance.
    At the moment, I am still hugging you. ♥
    I am happy for Papi too, going through change within you and externally requires a lot of courage too. And he is doing just that.

  4. psycho, you're always here with me. i feel your support as if you were here in my room xo

    and papi, is a great soul. see how lucky i am?


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