Monday, July 4, 2011

One eye open.

A beautiful thing happens when you're willing; your eyes will open a little bit more at a time, granting you visions of skylines you wouldn't normally see.

What I saw yesterday, was compassion for the transgendered person behind the counter.

From me.

Yes, me.

A Blogger Friend, Dirty Cowgirl, had me thinking about the reversal of the transformation.  As example, if I was in a straight relationship and I had a husband who was going through female transformation.

The support would all be for me.  My spouse would then be the one being ostracized, and quite possibly harassed to a state of depression, fear or even suicide.

I'm not being shunned to my face, but I have lost a few faces off Facebook.  Which is fine by me.  Those who don't understand my grieving over the loss of my butch can go elsewhere and keep their eyes closed to my side of the fence.

this moment brought to you by the strength of my trust list

Here's where the compassion came in though ...

We were out getting a last minute wedding card for this upcoming weekend, and I was having a sugar crash.

this moment brought to you by not taking care of myself by remembering to bring water and a snack.

I went into the nearest store to buy some protein of some sort and the line I chose to buy my chicken leg was being tended to by an obvious F-M.

However, I say obvious, because I have gaydar.  It's possible that the straight folks might not have caught on to this one.

and ... i digress ... sheesh ...

As I listened to this transgendered person speak, it made me realize he has what Papi desires; a lowered voice to pass as a male.

papi is also getting that in between 'teen' voice that sounds like helium ... o good gawd!

At the same time, I saw this person had a caterpillar moustache.  It was about the same fuzziness as Papi's when it's all grown out.

I stared.

I dissected.

I compared.

And after all that, the only thing I saw was a person who is on the same path as my love.  I immediately felt this warmth of caring and wondered, does this person have the same support as mi esposo?

Does this person have family members who would disown them?

Is this person being ridiculed by people in public, because they're going through their male transformation and they're in that 'in between' stage?

I adore people in my life who are F-M.  I love their hearts, and that's all I see.  I've never really cared that they were F-M, I just know I love their souls.  Hence, I've never asked what difficulties they may have had to endure while trying to find themselves.

I felt I needed to be extra sweet to this person, because I just don't know what they've been through during their transformation.

Then as I was leaving the store, I was so grateful that even though my love is going through the 'in between' stage, Papi is so damn handsome.

My love's personality shines through any 'imperfections' mi esposo may see in the mirror.

Occasionally, Papi will express the feeling of insecurity that I might leave because I'm going through such a turbulent time during the transformation.

I now know, and verbally confirm to my love, "Well, if I've made it past the worst of my grieving through this, I think it proves that because I'm still here, I'm going to stay.  Don't you?"

I still have some work to do around acceptance ...

and the 5 foot clitoris!!!

... but overall, I do believe Papi's joking of, "Ah, she'll get over it," does have some truth to it.

It also doesn't hurt that I got my hugs back from mi esposo now that there's been more healing from the top surgery.

I have one eye open and it's really enjoying the brightness of this day.


  1. yes :) with a little help from my friends xo

  2. You are so fabulous:) I love how accepting you are. Mwah!

  3. @jamie, you are just as fabulous because you are part of my support

    @tricia, it's learned. no pain no gain ... i think you know what i mean, being a kindred soul xo

  4. I am so proud to have met you here A.
    Your heart is way bigger than anybody else's. You have grown tremendously in this painful journey and you have gained so much more insight and depth as a human being. I am blessed to know you.

  5. my dearest psycho, it's only because of you, and my other blogger friends and my trust list that i was able to make it through.

    you are the reason i'm doing so well.


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