nothing.

So, I can't really blame satan's revival yesterday on not having my coffee.

I can't really blame it on Sir Bark-A-Lot, nor Papi leaving the door open so that Sir Bark-A-Lot would feel the impulse to patrol Psycho Kitty who lives upstairs with G'ma.

Really, what it all comes down to is performing.

I've told 'you', my imaginary friend, that I've had anxiety before shows since I was a kid, and how I was the most horrid person to be around for a week prior to my piano recitals.

As a young adult, I would spend the majority of the pre-show time in isolation, occupying filthy bar bathrooms that were unfit for even the dregs of society.  I'd cross my fingers that nobody would see me leave and find out who was responsible for the 'odeur du death'.

As time went on, I became more accustomed to these nerves and knew how to deal with them, awarding me a feeling of excitement instead of anxiety before my appearances.

Then came the motorcycle accident and brain injury, forcing me into 2.5 years off from the big stage.

Now?

I'm healing.

Now.

I'm ready for bigger stages.

Now:

My stomach is reeling in anticipation of the crowd we'll be performing for tonight and tomorrow.

Now!

It's like I'm thrown right back to my childhood, being served a main course of the shakes with a side of butterfly twists.

i'm sure this coffee will help with shaking eh? not to mention a cranky stomach ...

I'm really no fun to live with before my spectacles.

Papi has figured out that I'm a 'bit' of a schizoid before presentations of my craft.

This is such a good thing, because Papi can say to me, "Aw, are you getting scared about the show?"

I want to deny it.

I want to say, "No way!  I'm a pro remember?  I was that 'up and coming' bass goddess until the accident."

But I have to admit.

Yes.

It's back to square one.  And this is in so many regards.

2.5 years is a lifetime in the entertainment world.

Everyone has forgotten about me and lost interest in my art, contacts have changed, and a few fans have actually reply with 'remove' from my email based promotions.

I'm starting all over again and having to win new devotees one more time.

This is why I think that it really is good to put HECTOR on the back burner and BlueLight in the forefront.

You can't make a come back when you're coming back from 'up and coming'.  It doesn't work.  You have to come out with something fresh and attack it with fire!

So, here I go.

Really, tonight I'm playing for such a fun crowd.

Fag-O-Rama!!!!

It's a big drunk fest leading up to the Pride Parade, where they shut down Davie Street, setting up an outdoor bar and people are drunk by noon.

It's a bunch of sparkly fags with boas and shiny hot pants looking as pretty as possible, along with a spattering of the occasional dyke and fag hag.

What's there to be afraid of?

Nothing.

And that's what anxiety is all about.

Nothing.