Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Love Letter

I felt even more love for Papi yesterday.

My love apologized for making light of my phobia.

Mi esposo likes to rib me.  We have one of those relationships where one person does things to shock the other for fun.

Our life is full of laughs and 'stop its' and 'omg you're such a twit'.

Mainly coming from me.

I remember when I was a kid, my grandfather used to tease the hell out of me.  It hurt because I was so sensitive, but my family would say the same thing every time; "If he didn't tease you, then it would mean he doesn't like you."

I get that.

I also see that Papi's G'pa used to tease the hell out of G'ma, and in turn, my love teases G'ma and myself.

It's just a dynamic.

Some people don't like it, others, well, we enjoy the attention.

Like me.

I am a true attention whore and I'll take attention in any way shape or form.

insecure and needing validation much ?!?!

However, when Papi thought that teasing me with penes would be another way to get a rise out of me and a chuckle, my love didn't realize that it would do more damage than good.

Yet, the person that I love looked back at his actions and apologized, "I owe you an apology.  I have been insensitive about your issues."

My love admitted that it was just for fun, but didn't realize how it would make me upset.

While we were talking about it, I became that insecure little girl again.

I felt as though my words were a mere 'squeak' when they left my lips.

My shoulders rounded in to hide my body.

My head lowered and I looked up at Papi like I was infantile and repenting for being bad.

My hands were sheltered by the inside of my thighs.

I tried to disappear.

I shrank.

I squeaked.

It was so difficult to talk about it, hence I've kept it quiet for years.  I also kept the denial surrounding my fears down in the Pit of Doom.

I keep it there because I don't want to see it every day.

I saved it for when I felt strong, and I suppose that time is now.

I have the fortune of having a life partner who understands that he will never understand, but will try hard to be sympathetic.

I am not alone on this path.  There are many just like me who have been hit with the realization that it's time to deal.

This is why I have to wait 6 months to speak to someone about it.

We all have our own 'timing' when it comes to dealing with our 'stuff'.  It doesn't even matter what the 'stuff' is.

It's just 'stuff' and we've all got it.  You really can't get through this life without it.

We're all just guinea pigs on our own paths, and we don't know what each step will bring us.

I really feel my path is paved with love and good intentions.  My love has evened out the trail so that I don't have troubles walking on uneven ground.

Papi has also widened it so that I don't walk alone, but rather, mi esposo can hold my hand as we travel.

I fell a little bit more in love with Papi yesterday.

The apology gave me so much strength, and it wasn't even necessary.

I know my love's intention is never to hurt me, but we're human and we err.  Admitting our errs is what makes us a better friend, lover or partner.

I am safe.


  1. It sucks that you have to wait so long now you're feeling ready, but who knows at this rate by the time it get's here you might be halfway there already.

  2. yeah dirty, i'll probably get started on my own anyway ... actually, i'm pretty much already started :)


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