It's amazing how the moment we speak about 'secrets', they begin to lose their power.
I believed that nobody would think my 'secrets' were something to be affected by.
As a young teenager, I went to my mother for help with my emotions, and was told, "You've got nothing to cry about."
I replied with, "Well, the counselor told me I do have something to cry about," and I proceeded to tell my mom I'd been abused.
The reaction I got from my mom was very difficult, "Was it dad?" she asked.
As far as my memory was concerned at that point, I could only shake my head 'no', because it wasn't the memory I was talking about.
However, hearing your mother jump straight to assuming it was my father has left me with questions to this day.
Anyway, it's all related; the reason I went off the edge over papi's male transformation.
I know I was looking for something to explain why I reacted so
bad. I know it's not normal to become catatonic for 6 weeks in a
La-Z-Boy when your spouse tells you they're going to go through gender transformation.
Well, I get it now, and it really has lost it's power.
I've connected the dots.
I now realize why I slipped into the Pit of Doom when the bomb
was dropped. It was a familiar place of fear, same furniture, and the silence was the same reaction.
It was somewhere I would frequent, until I figured out how to work with the pain and stay out of the Pit.
Now that I'm out, I realize there is another layer to work on, however I can see that it really can't hurt me this time.
I've learned too much from life to allow it to win.
Yeah ... I needed to really look at my 'secrets'.
I also needed to 'check out' in my every day life for a few days.
Papi and I took a little drive down to the U.S. to visit the Yank for her birthday.
During our drive back, it really kicked in that there were dots to connect.
I felt the fear of my 'secrets' dissipate when I spoke about them to Papi.
I didn't ever want to admit my 'secrets', because I couldn't handle another person saying, "That's nothing to cry about."
Papi didn't even come close to laughing at my story.
Instead my love wanted to find one of the fuckers that created my
pain and have a 'word' with them, "No, that's something to be upset
I had confirmation that I'm not just wallowing for no reason.
I don't know where it comes from, that as the victim in assault,
we tend to negate our own feelings and pass them off as 'no biggy'.
We decide not to press charges.
We don't want to talk about it, because someone may laugh and tell us we're being ridiculous.
We all do it, but why?
Now that I have strength from my love telling me that it was a big deal, I'm feeling that I can overcome it. My fighter instinct has risen once more.
It's going to be work, it always is, but all I need is support. It was all I needed to get moving to the next level of healing.
I was able to hold Papi close, give loving kisses on his cheek and say, "I love you soooo much," without any exceptions.
Bring it on bitches.
There is no way it's going to keep me having adverse feelings about my love's male transformation.
Indeed, if I believe mi esposo has such a massive, understanding heart that
they would make an exception to his line of work, then damn! I should
feel very fortunate that I too get to experience my healing of this 'male' figure as a good teacher.
I didn't marry any of my offenders, and that's all I need to remember.