Monday, September 12, 2011

On the Upswing.

It's amazing how the moment we speak about 'secrets', they begin to lose their power.

I believed that nobody would think my 'secrets' were something to be affected by.

As a young teenager, I went to my mother for help with my emotions, and was told, "You've got nothing to cry about."

I replied with, "Well, the counselor told me I do have something to cry about," and I proceeded to tell my mom I'd been abused.

The reaction I got from my mom was very difficult, "Was it dad?" she asked.

As far as my memory was concerned at that point, I could only shake my head 'no', because it wasn't the memory I was talking about.

However, hearing your mother jump straight to assuming it was my father has left me with questions to this day.

did he?

Anyway, it's all related; the reason I went off the edge over papi's male transformation.

I know I was looking for something to explain why I reacted so bad.  I know it's not normal to become catatonic for 6 weeks in a La-Z-Boy when your spouse tells you they're going to go through gender transformation.

Well, I get it now, and it really has lost it's power.

I've connected the dots.

I now realize why I slipped into the Pit of Doom when the bomb was dropped.  It was a familiar place of fear, same furniture, and the silence was the same reaction.

It was somewhere I would frequent, until I figured out how to work with the pain and stay out of the Pit.

Now that I'm out, I realize there is another layer to work on, however I can see that it really can't hurt me this time.

I've learned too much from life to allow it to win.

Yeah ... I needed to really look at my 'secrets'.

I also needed to 'check out' in my every day life for a few days.

Papi and I took a little drive down to the U.S. to visit the Yank for her birthday.

During our drive back, it really kicked in that there were dots to connect.

I felt the fear of my 'secrets' dissipate when I spoke about them to Papi.

I didn't ever want to admit my 'secrets', because I couldn't handle another person saying, "That's nothing to cry about."

Papi didn't even come close to laughing at my story.

Instead my love wanted to find one of the fuckers that created my pain and have a 'word' with them, "No, that's something to be upset about."

I had confirmation that I'm not just wallowing for no reason.

I don't know where it comes from, that as the victim in assault, we tend to negate our own feelings and pass them off as 'no biggy'.

We downplay.

We decide not to press charges.

We don't want to talk about it, because someone may laugh and tell us we're being ridiculous.

We all do it, but why?

Now that I have strength from my love telling me that it was a big deal, I'm feeling that I can overcome it.  My fighter instinct has risen once more.

It's going to be work, it always is, but all I need is support.  It was all I needed to get moving to the next level of healing.

I was able to hold Papi close, give loving kisses on his cheek and say, "I love you soooo much," without any exceptions.

Bring it on bitches.

There is no way it's going to keep me having adverse feelings about my love's male transformation.

Indeed, if I believe mi esposo has such a massive, understanding heart that they would make an exception to his line of work, then damn!  I should feel very fortunate that I too get to experience my healing of this 'male' figure as a good teacher.

I didn't marry any of my offenders, and that's all I need to remember.


  1. Hey Andrea, glad you're doing okay. :)

  2. thank you vee ... i've been in nowhere land for a few days ... i'm feeling much better :)

  3. I have found that secrets seem to wait for just the right/safest moment to present themselves, usually when there is someone around who will love me while I heal and when I am open to letting them.
    Thanks for sharing your stories with us. I think you are telling the underside of your love story, you know the part 'they' never tell you about.

  4. belinda, i believe that's what's happening here.

    papi felt his secret was safe with me, i've found mine is safe with papi.


    that's really what life is all about xo

  5. Hi Andrea, your life keeps getting better lots of changes and now you are doing what my therapist tells me all the time it's called growing up.

    My therapist says until we can talk about what hurt/haunted us in the past it will always hurt and haunt us.It is hard to do but so necessary.

    hugs from alex

  6. thank you alex ... your therapist is so right. now just a mission to find the person i need for a few sessions of brain picking and get it done :)

  7. I'm so honored that you chose to share some of your secrets with me and your other blogging friends. It really is good to know that even thought some may not understand, there's always someone who does...

    (and just so you know, you are mentioned in this post of mine...go there

  8. kim, i'm honored that i have so much support and love from the blogger world.

    i never knew you were all missing from my life ... i'm happy you're all here now

  9. Andrea, as you know I have worked with abused kids. The most important thing in dealing with disclosures (and I have heard many) is to let the child know that you believe them.
    And saying it was nothing worth crying about is akin to saying I don't believe you - it's certainly saying that it's not a big deal
    When if it's happened to you it's the biggest fucking deal ever.

    It affects every aspect of what makes a child a child.
    No wonder you struggle to deal with the transformation on a whole other level.

    But often the first step to recovery (or what passes for it) is just that - being believed.
    I believe you.
    And in you and your ability to deal with this.xx

  10. yeah dirty ... at least i know why i'm having a struggle. i feel lighter now that i know why it's been so hard.

    and yeah ... being able to hear papi say that it IS a big deal, just made my strength appear in a grandiose way.

    thank you for your belief in me. i'm starting to see it now too xo


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