It's hard to see what someone else is experiencing if you haven't been there already.
My love wanted me to read more of the myths and transgender information. Papi asked, "Do you want to look at them some more and see if there's anymore questions you have?"
I'd really had enough when I thought my love was trying to hint that he was gay.
"No, not right now. Maybe another day, but not right now."
I have enough to chew on at the moment.
My heart is trying to deal with the fact that I need to revisit old demons.
I never would have thought this would come up. I've already done so much work around it.
None-the-less, my love just can't understand that when there was phony penises before, they didn't bother me. Now that they're attached to a person who's giving of an air of male-bodied-ness, it is a different story all together.
Papi could never really see why I am triggered by this. Mi esposo is one of the lucky people in this world who hasn't suffered the trauma of another person's offense.
However, it's not much different than me not understanding being transgender. I could never really get it.
I am learning though.
We were discussing how I don't really know much about the process. For example, I didn't know that the whole process takes 5 years to complete.
I really thought that there would be a new person in my bed in a heartbeat.
It's slow enough that I can work out the changes one by one. They affect me, and I need to deal with them, but so far I've gotten through.
Then my love told me, "The most ignorant thing you've really thought was that transgender people are a third gender."
I just couldn't get past this thinking.
I suppose I really am a black or white person.
It's the only way I could process it, but it's not true.
Every person is not a cookie cutter of the next. There's no way to generalize with every person.
However, I am now seeing why I've had an aversion to being in a relationship with an F-M.
The whole male thing really gets to me. Being in the closet for so long has taken it's toll on me.
If I wanted companionship, then I'd have to appease my homophobic, religious family.
I had to date males.
It was very difficult and I spent those years obliterating my mind with drugs and alcohol just to deal with the fact that I didn't really want to be with male beings.
When I finally decided to come out of the closet, I thought I was home free and never had to deal with a male being in my bed ever again.
Here I am.
I get it now.
I understand why I am closed minded to the transgender world.
I need to feel safe, and the only person who could help me get through this phase is Papi.
I wouldn't have been able to get there with anyone else.
My love has made me promise that I will work on this to get past it. Mi esposo wants me well, and in turn wants our relationship to be well also.
Of course, I would do anything for Papi.
That includes working with my ghosts so that I may have a relationship without fear.
It makes me shake.