Monday, September 5, 2011

Shaking in my boots ...

It's hard to see what someone else is experiencing if you haven't been there already.

My love wanted me to read more of the myths and transgender information.  Papi asked, "Do you want to look at them some more and see if there's anymore questions you have?"

I'd really had enough when I thought my love was trying to hint that he was gay.

"No, not right now.  Maybe another day, but not right now."

I have enough to chew on at the moment.

My heart is trying to deal with the fact that I need to revisit old demons.

I never would have thought this would come up.  I've already done so much work around it.

None-the-less, my love just can't understand that when there was phony penises before, they didn't bother me.  Now that they're attached to a person who's giving of an air of male-bodied-ness, it is a different story all together.

Papi could never really see why I am triggered by this.  Mi esposo is one of the lucky people in this world who hasn't suffered the trauma of another person's offense.

However, it's not much different than me not understanding being transgender.  I could never really get it.

I am learning though.

We were discussing how I don't really know much about the process.  For example, I didn't know that the whole process takes 5 years to complete.

I really thought that there would be a new person in my bed in a heartbeat.

It's slow enough that I can work out the changes one by one.  They affect me, and I need to deal with them, but so far I've gotten through.

Then my love told me, "The most ignorant thing you've really thought was that transgender people are a third gender."

I just couldn't get past this thinking.

I suppose I really am a black or white person.



Third gender.

It's the only way I could process it, but it's not true.

Every person is not a cookie cutter of the next.  There's no way to generalize with every person.

However, I am now seeing why I've had an aversion to being in a relationship with an F-M.

The whole male thing really gets to me.  Being in the closet for so long has taken it's toll on me.

If I wanted companionship, then I'd have to appease my homophobic, religious family.

I had to date males.

It was very difficult and I spent those years obliterating my mind with drugs and alcohol just to deal with the fact that I didn't really want to be with male beings.

When I finally decided to come out of the closet, I thought I was home free and never had to deal with a male being in my bed ever again.

Here I am.

I get it now.

I understand why I am closed minded to the transgender world.

I need to feel safe, and the only person who could help me get through this phase is Papi.

I wouldn't have been able to get there with anyone else.

My love has made me promise that I will work on this to get past it.  Mi esposo wants me well, and in turn wants our relationship to be well also.

Of course, I would do anything for Papi.

That includes working with my ghosts so that I may have a relationship without fear.

It makes me shake.


  1. Andrea, I have something to share that I read the other day in Katherine Martin's book "Those Who Dare"... It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular post, but still, it reminded me of you. :)

    "Emotional, mental, and spiritual courage can be as daunting as scaling a mountain. Travelling the emotional landscape of the heart is a daring journey. Facing the truth of who we are, of how we're doing with matters of love and personal dignity, integrity and service, soul and spirit, with the substance of our higher purpose can be an expedition of great magnitude.

    Turning inward to take stock of ourselves requires not only that we see our emptiness, but also that we dare to see our fullness."

    Andrea, always remember: Your ghosts have as much power as you're prepared to give them and each time you face them you weaken their resolve while strengthening your own. I have no doubt you'll win!! x

  2. Out of curiosity, I've always wondered: If a woman is dating another woman, who is undergoing the F-M process, once she's a man, would she be a lesbian or straight?

    Same with a guy, lol would he be gay if his male lover turned into a woman?

  3. @vee, thank you for that passage. it really is something i should read again and again xo

    @angela, papi will be considered straight, and i had a friend who was male and became female who was considered lesbian with her partner. funny ... her partner took the role of a butch when the switch came. very interesting.

  4. The thing is, we were born into a world where Labels and Categories became of stark importance versus the "heart and soul" of the matter.
    But here we are, trying to deal with the mindset of "cookie-cutters". You're right Andrea, letting go of these paradigms are totally challenging, it's like questioning everything existing around you. However, you have broken through all those tough hurdles. The world can learn a lot from you. Maybe you should give the world a chance. =)

  5. psycho, i only hope that strength for others can come through my learning xo

  6. I've said it before but I just think it's about time we were all just people. You love who you love. End of.

    And I'm rooting for you :)

  7. and i'm getting it now ... i'm totally getting it ... i need to get past the ghosts, so that i don't have any more hanging onners ...


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