Friday, September 23, 2011

Gratitude comes in strange packages.

Lordy when life hits ya, it hits ya good I'll tell ya.

My brain is being pushed to the limits right now.

I haven't had a penny come in for over 6 weeks now, and I don't qualify for anything.

I just called to request an advocate for People With Disabilities.

I can't fight alone anymore, and one of Papi's friends at work recommended one of the best, so we'll see how this turns out.

I don't qualify for Employment Insurance, because I'm short 20 hours.

I don't qualify for Social Assistance, because I'm living with a spouse and have assets.

which i've already put into lists of what will be sold first to get food.

I don't qualify for Long Term Disability, because I used it all up trying to get back to work.

I am slipping through the cracks of some strange system and dammit, I'm fucking scared.

When I called, I did get 2 suggestions that should help matters.

I was recommended to go to the Food Bank instead of using my credit cards for groceries.

Perfect timing, because the credit cards are maxed and I have no wiggle room there.  However, I have to admit, it feels a little humiliating.

ok murphy, don't be throwing us anything that we can't handle financially right now please.  we've got enough.

It was also recommended that I start going to a support group for people with Brain Injury, because I'm so frustrated about the fact that I can't process what to do next.


I'm scared.

So, at this point in time, I'm pretty fucking grateful.

I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with pain on top of it all.  I am so damn happy with the results of the Medicinal Cannabis I can't even tell you.

Yesterday was a particularly painful day, and I still managed to get shit done with the help of the new pain meds.

I'm grateful that I have Papi's male transformation to think about instead of money.

My love always gives me something to think about rather than fret over the fact that I'm now eating the reserves in my kitchen.

Take yesterday as an example.

I was sitting on the loo with one less Bathroom Buddy ... 

The World's Loudest Snorer went home ... i may just go kidnap her back ...

... and it hit me!

I'm changing my behaviour around female stuff in the house.

I'm actually feeling self-conscious about tampons hanging about the bathroom.

I don't know why, but it's actually starting to feel like a male is in the house.

I think I'm beginning to see that stranger I was so afraid to see.  I'm seeing the person I didn't know would be in my life.

You know?  The horrible vision I saw of the person that was replacing 'my butch'?

Well, Papi is not the scary monster my mind told me he would be.

I still have the person I married, but it's just different.

For example, the feeling that there is now a male in my life.

It's weird, wacky and way out there!

I can't even begin to tell you when the switch came, but there was a slow gradual creeping of it and has left me wondering a few things.

Is Papi an illusionist and that's why I'm seeing my love differently?  Or perhaps I've actually lost my mind from being on pharmaceuticals for three years?  Or maybe I'm just on some strange trip from pain killers and I don't even know it.



All that's going on here is I'm sensing a shift in the house and it's pretty fucking bizarre.


I've stopped worrying about money!

How lucky am I?

But I also know that everything works out.


I've made it this far in life and I'm not going to be left behind now.


  1. Big hugs. I am so glad you are looking into PWD. I know that it is hard to suck up the pride and do it, but it is going to make such a difference. Even if you do get other income in the future, you will still be able to get medical equipment and stuff paid for by PWD (or so I have heard).

  2. brandy, thank you so much for your support. i know you know how it feels. and i appreciate that you're someone who has already gone through it to give me answers and suggestions :)

    thank you xo

  3. Everything will be ok baby:-> At least we will only be foodless and not homeless :-> and you have nice shiny bling to look at while you are withering away to nothing.

  4. see ... that's the problem ... you have to have money to stay slim from healthy food. when we eat below our means financially, all you get to eat are carbs. my reserves are all carbs.

    so here comes the bad skin, muffin top and jiggling arms

  5. That fucking sucks. I can't believe they can do nothing. 20 hours short? Seriously? I really hope they can find a way to help. It seems ridiculous that I know fucking lazy teens can sit on their ass and afford to go out drinking every other night on government money and there is shit for people who actually need it. It really shows how badly our system needs to be changed.

  6. i know jamie, right!?!? it's supposed to be there for people who 'need' it. right now i do. but it will work out. it always does. like today, i'm going to go earn some grocery money :)


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