Papi was going on line to a forum or some other social site and asked me, "So, now what am I? I don't wanna say straight, because you're not straight and it would imply that."
i'm back to losing my identity.
My love said he needs a t-shirt that says, "My wife is a lesbian."
People would just look at it and think it's funny.
They wouldn't think it's serious when they see two 'straight' people walking down the street.
The other day when I had my, "Are you gay?!?!" freakout, it is really what I was getting at.
Now that my love is changing gender, both of our identities will change.
Not internally, but from the outside world's judgement.
Papi just finally ended up saying, "Well, i'm not straight because you aren't either, and I'm bi-curious because I'm attracted to F-Ms, but I'm not gay either."
Finally my love came up with, "I'm Gender Queer."
Sounds good to me, but no matter what we feel on the inside, the world will label us to fit into a perfect little box so that they have a way to identify us.
That's the part I hate.
I was terrified of coming out of the closet, and what people ...
... family ...
... would think of me.
When I finally found the support I needed to help me come out in a safe place filled with love, I took the plunge.
I was proud, because the people around me made me feel that I was loved, no matter whom I loved.
Well, looking back, I see that pained young lady who was stuck in a closet with her 'secrets', and I never wanted to visit there agin.
I suppose it's why I'm so adverse to having people think I'm straight.
A lot of people who stay in their closets will never know the freedom they could have when they are finally able to love whom they want to.
I guess some people just deal with it best they can, and stay put in their misery.
I can't do that.
But now, it's like I'm being forced back into that place.
It's fucking amazing how my love's male transformation has inflicted me with old Ghosts and Demons. It's crazy that I am now obligated to look at the pain I had at a younger age, and finally deal with it.
You know, that old saying is so damn true.
If you don't work it out when you should, it will come back and bite you in the ass.
My ass is feeling rather raw right now.
Those teeth are having a feast back there.
I really have to look at why I'm so afraid of being seen as straight.
I honestly can't put my finger on it yet, but judging from how Ghosts and Demons have reared their ugly, skanky, pussing heads, I'll be finding out soon.
Everything in life happens for a reason.
Everything.
We can look at all the affliction we've dealt with in our lives and see how it worked out. It makes us stronger. It teaches us lessons of life.
it prepares us to deal with harder moments ... they never seem to stop coming ...
Well, just like how my body being in 'near perfect' strength saved my life in my motorcycle accident, my moments in life that were so difficult bred backbone to deal with life's curve ball now.
It always works out.
So let's just bring it on and get it over with, shall we?
"When we feel hurt, or angry, or terrified, or weak, we often try to numb it in one way or another - sometimes because we're afraid the pain will break us and other times because we're ashamed of just how fragile we are. We may not always remember it, but we are simultaneously strong and no matter how many times we break down, we can grow, heal, and prosper." (Lori Deschene)
ReplyDeleteAndrea, don't ever lose sight of how strong you are. You can do this, you can. :)
Thank you for being so open. Labels suck. It's easy enough to say, "Oh, I don't believe in labels." But they still affect us. We are who we are, and we love who we love. No one has the right to make us feel bad about that. I think the world would be a much better place if people could love openly, regardless of gender.
ReplyDeleteVee, i'm proud to have a friend like you. i'm grateful for you faith in me. and i'm ready for the healing xo
ReplyDelete@amelia, i'm ever searching for a world that will see us as people ... not labels.
i'm not sure if it will happen in OUR lifetime, but i have faith that one day it will. :)
You are hmmmm....
ReplyDeletehetero-flexible,
homo-felxible,
limited hetero depending on the homo,
Don't ask because I won't tell,
Light circular motions sexual,
Eenie, meenie, miny, homo
Allergic to manchowder
...so, I've got nothing. I'm going to go brainstorm and get back to you.
This is where we ask "What is gender?" Can a soul be female or male? I think Papi answered that. This is so twisted to think that you being lesbian, led to a straight marriage that would not have occured otherwise. I'm so blown away by all of this. Wow!
ReplyDeleteI can understand that Andrea. After all, it takes a lot of guts sometimes to come out. You go through a lot, and people trying to push you back into the closet that to stick out there is a personal victory and a huge part of your sense of self. Having that sense of your label, one put there by YOU and not others must be a bit like someone deciding to change your name and you are forced to get used to everyone else calling you something else, even though inside you know it is not you.
ReplyDeleteThe great news is that you are still you. I know I'm grateful you don;t change, just adjust.
@cmb, that was hilarious!!
ReplyDelete@rafa, maybe i will tell the zealots that god 'healed' me lol!
@jamie, i know you know what i'm getting at xoxo
Maybe you should forget about DR and go and live in Thailand ?
ReplyDeleteGender doesn't matter there so much, and not because of all the ladyboys...the ladyboys are out in the open because they live in a Buddhist country. As it is a religion that believes in reincarnation, so you will be male and female many times throughout your lives, they don't so much recognise any gender as believe that it is irrelevant and transient.
Just a thought but maybe you don't want to be seen as straight because that would imply that men would see you as attainable ?
Although having said that most men seem to see lesbians as being the utimate goal.
confusing thoughts for confusing times but you will figure everything out ♥
ReplyDelete@dirty, you really do have something there. i need to think about that. you have a point. i do feel less fear from men as a lesbian, because they don't have a hope in hell. pondering ...
ReplyDelete@alex, yeah ... we will both get there xo
I am having an idea.
ReplyDeleteLet's try: Gender = Human Being
psycho, that's exactly it. we just need to use 'human'.
ReplyDelete