Friday, September 9, 2011

Night Terrors

When I was little I had anxiety, but I didn't recognize it.

I was too young to know that it wasn't a 'normal' feeling, and it was my 'norm' for the majority of my life.

My family would joke that I could never be a hippy because I was too stressed out all the time.  My mother would tell me not to worry so much or I'll get an ulcer.

I really had no idea what they were talking about.

That is of course, until I found out what it's like to feel peace.

It is my only mission in life: peace and happiness.

Armed with dietary restrictions, I found my first phase of happiness.  Food allergies played a big part in my chemical imbalance.

Next I went to St. John's Wort, cut out all my caffeine and began an exercise regimen that went very well with getting clean and sober.

Life started falling into place, and the last piece of the puzzle was getting on anti-depressants.

I became less and less anxious, until my motorcycle accident.  That was when P.T.S.D. sank in, and for the first time I recognized that I had anxiety attacks when I was a kid.

I would lie in bed, unable to move a muscle, except for my eyes.

I envisioned wolves, sharks and only the heads of beings circling the floor of my bed, as they pulled my hair taught, so I couldn't move my head.



I would be driven over by snow groomers from the ski hill.

Ghosts would pile mattress upon mattress on to my body, expunging all the air from my lungs.

I couldn't breathe.

I felt my hands and feet swell to the point where they felt full of helium, until they really weren't part of my body.

Numb, petrified and fixed to one place.

I would see family members sitting by my side saying, "Don't worry, it will all be over soon," yet none of them would help me.

They would only watch as I was torn and heavy objects were forced upon me.

Fast forward to my ghosts reappearing in modern day.

The anxiety level that I'm living with right now is almost too much to bear.

I have to say, my new found Medicinal Cannabis is helping me keep calm when I use it.

Only thing is, I'm using it properly, which is only when I need it for physical pain.

If I was to start using it for emotion pain, you'd be seeing me revisit those anonymous rooms for addicts again.

I mean really, it was the emotional pain that I was running from when I started using drugs and alcohol as a very young teenager.

It would make me forget all the secrets I have, and I could laugh with people.  I could speak to strangers.

i would be taken advantage of ... too many times ... against my will ... the feeling of mattresses piling on me so i couldn't breathe ...

None-the-less, here I am.

I'm experiencing the same fear I did when I was a child, only this time, that familiar feeling is a tad bit easier for me to handle.
"Feel the fear and do it anyway." by Susan Jeffers
I've never read this book.  All that I've ever known was the title and I've lived by it for many years.

I am definitely feeling.

I am definitely in fear.

I am definitely wanting these ghosts to leave for good this time.

That sweet innocent girl needs to be as carefree as the photo I still keep in my mind.  Her favourite red and white paneled, floor length skirt, with halter top to match.

Beautiful long blonde hair that attracted the predators, because she looked like a little doll.

She needs to be as innocent as she is in that picture, standing under the strength of a walnut tree, blowing bubbles.  She mindlessly watched them float in the air with peace, free from fear.

She deserves the same freedom, and I think it's time to make it happen.


  1. hun i wish i could take all your anxiety away. hugs.

  2. i am going to work on it ... i'm going to get there eventually. i'm sure of it.

    if you could take them away, i'd be grateful. i'm pretty sure i'm stuck all on my own with this.

  3. No no no Andrea. You are so not alone.

    Of course none of us share your demons and none of us can take them away, but you know we are here listening.

    If you are getting ready to finally face up to them then of course you are going to have to feel that fear again, but this time at least you are doing it with your eyes open and since it's your choice you can do it at your own pace :)

    And you have a cape.

  4. :) i have a cape! i am a superhero!

    and i'm shaking ...

    you all helped me get through the trans fear, i suppose you're all here to help me get through my ghosts.

    i know you're all going to be there.

    and thank you xo

  5. I love you Andrea♥ and you can do it because you know you need to be free of fear.Fear is a horrible master...

  6. i guess it's the next level eh alex? there are so many layers to get through.

    never would i ever have thought that my partner going through a male transformation would have triggered this.


    life eh?

  7. I guess the one thing that is true in the human existence, we may be able to put off dealing with past hurts. Eventually they catch up. I'm glad you are in a good place to deal with them. You are in the zone, able to get through anything.

  8. oh it is true. thing is, i thought i dealt with it. i suppose there's another layer i haven't seen yet ... i'm feeling much stronger today ... i can get to the root of this :)

  9. A day at a time, layer by layer.
    We all have it Andrea. I cough excessively and I can't breathe when I get a panic attack.
    I try to find my centre, I also had a coach teach me some Tai Chi'. It helps.
    Fear only becomes strong when you attribute it the power to overcome your strength. I have always found your strength and resilience admirable and exemplary.


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer