Thursday, January 5, 2012

Always the Princess.

So, I've been trying to let go of the 'father' that hasn't been a dad.

I have abandonment issues from him that strengthen my insecurities to this day.

I am so afraid of abandonment that I expect everyone to leave eventually; friends, family, Papi.

It was the the way I grew up.  I would wait for everyone to leave, or my mom would move us around so that I was the one leaving friends I worked so hard to discover.

It makes for a clingy person who is desperate for love, and willing to do anything to have people in my life.

I also would add up the patterns in my existence that were difficult and obsess about the fact that I'm doomed to repeat that same pain, over and over.

When the chemical imbalance had me suffering from a nervous breakdown, it obviously affected my last relationship.  I thought that once I was better and on anti-depressants, everything would run smoothly.

Instead, I was dumped in an epic way by The Beast.

and boy am i grateful ... 

However, my 'issues' are now poking at the flesh wound of the past year of struggle with Papi's male transformation.

My fear is, now that I'm cruising on a happy plain, that Papi will leave.

Last night it really hit me to the point that my love asked what was going on.

All I could say is, "Nothing," which eventually turned into, "I don't really want to know the answer."



I've become been quite the professional at hiding feelings in my sober, adult years.

Papi nudged a bit more and I said it.  "I feel like now that I'm feeling better about the transition and all, that you'll leave me because I feel strong enough for you to do so."

My love was quite confused.

In all reality, so was I.  Yet, Papi reaffirmed that it's all going to be ok, "I'm looking at houses for us to buy in the Dominican Republic!  Why would I be doing that if I was thinking of leaving you?"

Well, you have a point, Papi.

Then The Yank had words of wisdom around this, by telling me that this past year is proof that mi esposo isn't leaving.

Well, I have all this dread to thank dear ol' daddy for.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty about not calling the person who could care less to call me on my wedding day or my birthday.

I stopped calling after that.  I refuse to be the one to always be reaching out to someone who doesn't reciprocate.

I have at least learned that from my abandonment issues.  I can't be chasing down love.  I can only give love to those who want it and have the ability to return in kind.

Anyway, that man, who's sperm brought me into this world, was so horrible to my baby sister that I don't really want to have anything to do with him.

It hurts to know that I was his princess and my baby sister was less to him.

That's what keeps me from calling.  The fact that he treated us differently is enough.

I love my baby sister so deeply, that I will defend her to the death.

that's the dog in me ...

So, someway, somehow, I've got to get over this guilt thing.

For years it was the reason I would call my father.

Out of guilt.

I don't really get anything out of a relationship with him.

It's so sad, and my heart aches.

All I ever wanted was a dad.


  1. My biological father is useless as anything. I think I finally gave up after my gramma died. It's not worth the endless disappointment every time they have you hoping they have a scrap of something worth holding onto. Sadly, they are not going to change.

  2. thanx for your relating jamie. i need it to remain strong and fight this fucking guilt that is worthless as well.

  3. I think I managed to stop feeling guilty for having a shitty relationship with him. THEY are supposed to be the ones, and failed, to give us the base of that childhood trust so we can build on it. If there is nothing there to build on that is their failing, not ours.

  4. thank you jamie ... i need to hear that. it's so hard not to feel guilt ... it's only guilt that he needs someone to take care of him because he's so sick.

    i can't be that person.

  5. I have so much to say but I can't find the words. I think I'll email you instead. Stay strong and wonderful. :) x

  6. i'll check my email ... talk to you soon vee xo

  7. Too much wisdom in this post for me to pick my fave... Well Done!!

  8. I feel the same in a lot of ways...
    Abandoned and like it is my fault :(

    hugs for you ♥

  9. but you see alex, it's not our fault. i've heard many stories of people who have wonderful dads. i just got a dud is all.

    good in the heart, but not a dad.

    keep talking about it ... it's the only way it goes away ... this is what i'm learning, because i'm a hell of a lot better than when i was younger and felt not good enough.

    love ya doll xo

  10. Aww Andrea ... just this: big, big, tight hug.


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