Thursday, January 19, 2012

I was wrong. Lesson learned.

I'm pretty excited about today.

I get my very own vocational counselor to help me find a job that this beat up body can do with success.

Gonna try, anyway!

I just have to keep trying.  If I don't have something to do, I'll go crazy.

I'm so afraid of being fired from a job because of someone else doing a U-Turn and changing my life 3 years ago.

I'm a very hard worker when I have a job.  Any job.  Home, music, healing, or whatever is thrown at me.

Even Papi's male transformation.

Upon starting my novel, I've had to read through from the beginning.  I had to go back and see if there was anything I was missing, or optimistically forgotten.

As I wrote, I felt the tears well up for that sweet, broken femme just over a year ago.

I felt every feeling that I had sitting in the La-Z-Boy Pit of Doom.

I can see now that I was really only scared.  I'd never been through this kinda thing before.  I didn't want to fight a battle.  I just wanted my love.

However, I gave myself my very own war.

Nobody gave it to me but myself.

I need to remember how it felt, so that I can help someone else who's feeling desperate.

Yet, I also need to feel how it felt, so I can see how far I've come.

When I embarked on this journey, I didn't know what 'that time' would feel like when it got here.

Now I do.

I never would have expected I'd get to where I am.

But I did.

Despite my fears.

Yesterday, I saw an article, '10 Handsome Men (Who Were Born Female)'.  I looked expecting to see people I would be able to say, "Nope.  I can tell you were female before."


I'm one of 'those'.

One of 'those' who believes I'd be able to see the female in their eyes.

I was proven wrong.

Indeed, these were 10 men that I wouldn't have blinked an eye at, as seeing the female prior.

All of this journey with my dear Papi has proven me to be so wrong on so many levels.

And again.

I have to rethink my attitude.

Gender reassignment is really only a tad of the whole discovery.

I have learned that it takes a good 6 years before the transformation is done, thanks to the hormones injected.

still having a bit of an issue with this clear little poison ...

I can honestly say, that when I saw these men in the photos that my mind shifted.

It shifted to, "Hang on!  You don't have Papi in there!!"

Mi esposo guapo.

We are all here for lessons.

Mine seem to be a bit drastic at times, but such is the life of a drama queen.  How can I have center stage if I don't have something to act on!?!?!

Anyway, I am yet again having to switch my thinking.

It's a challenge every day.

I invite being told I'm wrong.  It gives this hard working, psudeo-dog, Type A personality something to do.

If I don't have something to do, I'll go crazy.

today, i will only say nice things to myself.


  1. Where's the fun in life if we can't be 'wrong' from time to time? I don't subscribe to the notion of wrong (or right, or good and bad), btw, too much judgement there. :)

    All the best with the job, I hope you find something you enjoy. xo

    1. well, i think that i need to be proven wrong before my mind will change sometimes hehehe

      like that phone call from 'god'. when 'god' gives me a call, i'll believe in this being.

  2. Good post, I would have been checking the pictures to see if I could tell also. Hope you get the job you want.

    wow I love your blog now don't ever change it back ♥

    reading some of my old poems still makes me cry so I know the feeling. It is the power of memory or something like that...

    1. hey doll! they don't really help me find a job, it's a long story ... but in a nutshell, they help me find what i can do for work. i'm looking forward to working again :)

      i knew you'd understand the reading past stuff xoxo

  3. I hope that by reading back you are able to see what the rest of us have for a long time.
    How far you've come.

    I guess when you're in a situation you can't see the wood for the trees, but you are amazing - don't forget that :)

    1. ty dirty ... i have to keep remembering that


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