Chapter One.

Last night, I went for dinner with one of the sweetest friends I have.

You know, I can't really tell which of one my friends is the sweetest, because all the friends I have surrounded my heart with are equally amazing.

There's no room for the ones that intimidate me with their aggressive negativity.

Anyway, we were talking a bit about my drowning flashback, and what I remembered was another moment when time was in slow motion, and all was peaceful.

I was hit by a drunk driver when I was about 19.  I was sitting in the passenger seat, and we were waiting to turn off the street into the parking lot.

We were hit without any sound of screeching tires to warn us, as the drunk didn't even see us, so he didn't bother to stop.

Our car was catapulted into oncoming traffic, but fortunately, they got out of the way and we weren't turned into an accordion.

However, just like when I was hit on my motorcycle, I didn't feel the impact. 

i've got a happy brain that doesn't like pain hehe ...

All I remember was watching pretty little ice like particles floating past my curious eyes.  I watched them drift past me with the awe of a newborn, seeing stars in the sky for the first time.

One by one they'd twinkle and wink at me as they passed.  It lasted forever!  I felt the urge to reach out to grab them, as they were so gorgeous, serene and inviting.

Turned out, it was glass from the rear view window being shattered by the drunk when he hit us.

My friend in the back was temporarily paralyzed, but I got out of it with only whiplash, a bump on my cheek and P.T.S.D.

The show of lights ended, and I was snapped back to reality when the drunk walked over to our car and knocked on the driver's window.  He wasn't there to see if he'd killed anybody.

No.

He was coming over to ask if we had a bandaid, because his forehead was bleeding.

I'm not fucking kidding you.

Anyway, the point is, when I was hit, it was peaceful.

I'm starting to realize that all these near death possibilities are nothing to be afraid of.

I am not in a place where I'm suicidal ...

... thank you prozac! ...

... but I am seeing that whenever it is my time to go, it won't be anything to be afraid of.

Even if my time to go is a painful one, I'm pretty sure that my brain will hide the pain, and allow me a loving goodbye.

I am not afraid of death.

It's life that scares me, yet I will continue to face life's terms of living head on.

I'm seeing now how life really is something to celebrate.

I'm here and that is really a gift, especially when you look at how many times I could've been knocked off.

Yesterday's dinner was a great opportunity to see how far I've come.

This dear friend is a busy artist who I don't get to see as much as I'd like to.  The last time I saw her was in the summer.

I remember still feeling the nudges of tears when I spoke about Papi's transformation.

Last night though?

There was no talk about my healing around this, because there was so much to talk about that is beautiful in my life.

That is my proof that I'm at that place I didn't know I could be when this all started.

I've begun to write the book about the journey.

Chapter one is finished.

I'm not sure really where this book ends, so I'll have to accept that I'll find out when I'm there.



i forgive myself for my mistakes, as they are my teacher.