Saturday, March 5, 2011


I'm up way too early today.  I got to see a beautiful sunrise, but my body could go back to sleep, even after having my morning coffee.

I keep waking up with the sheets wrapped around my throat.

my bed is trying to kill me!

This morning I had to actually fight with them to release them from my neck.  I flailed rolling back and forth, pulling as much as i could in each direction.

and a good fucking morning to you too!!!

Once I was free of the flannel monster, I pushed the button on my phone to look at the late night texts my love sends me on that awful graveyard shift.

One was informing me of a road trip to Seattle today to get an island for our new kitchen, "It's $300 cheaper!!!!!!"

sorry.  i have 3 appointments ... one of which includes shaving a cat.

When I said I couldn't, Papi called me pouting and tried to re-arrange my day.  My love can't stand having to wait for anything.

It's been the same story the past 3 months of this transformation.  Waiting a year to get top surgery or a hysterectomy doesn't sit well with mi esposo.

We all have our lessons to learn in life, and for my love, it is most definitely patience.

Papi grew up getting anything at any time, as the grandparents just didn't know what to do with a little person who had lost a mother so young.

They gave my love everything the moment Papi requested it, in an effort to fill that gap of emptiness.

aka: spoiled brat.

Well, here we are in adulthood, and Papi doesn't want to hear, "You'll have to wait."

We all want instant gratification.  It lines the checkout stands in every store, in every city of every country in the world.

However, this journey is also about perspective and relativity.  My love can't wait to get the changes, and I could wait forever.

For me, the time will come too soon.

Although, I am impatiently waiting for this year to end and that damn calendar to run out.  Papi told me the April pic is not the scarring one.  It's just one that has a repulsive post-top surgery picture.


When my love read my blog about my disdain of this calendar, there was a moment of shock, "What?!  You don't like it?!"

my dear ... why would i want to look at ugly people day in and day out?

It's hard for me to understand how my love just can't get into my brain to figure out that I'm not attracted to F-Ms.

I'm attracted to women.

I'm attracted to my love because I see mi esposo as the butch I married.  I will always see my love this way.

There will just be a few anomalies to deal with.

Mi esposo.  Not mi esposa.  Definitely, not my husband.  My husbutch.

I could wait forever for these changes.

It's all about perspective.


  1. I, too, need to learn patience. As my mom used to say: Patience pays, it just doesn't pay enough.

  2. i struggle with patience, but i've been actively working on it for years.

    the most patience i ever gained was by being a piano teacher and teaching music to pre-schoolers.

    parents would say, "You're so patient!" little did they know i had rocks of frustration weighing my stomach down.

    it's really a lifelong lesson :)

  3. Thanks for this Andrea. I was curious as to how his transformation was with you. I could not imagine how hard it must be. I did not want to ask, as fucking nosey as I am some things are just NOT asked. Your love for each other must be incredibly strong. Inspirational. You make me tear up all the time. My heart swells. We should all be so lucky to find someone to love us like you.

  4. @jamie ... any time you want to ask, you are more than welcome to. i figure the more people ask, the more i talk, and the more i heal.

    you gotta get it out of your head and through your mouth so it will leave your soul xo

  5. You always make my heart swell when I read your posts :) You are an inspiration to me and everyone :)


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