Monday, March 28, 2011

The road less traveled.

It was quite a day yesterday.  I thought perhaps I may have been falling into the pit of doom.

It was just a visit from my demons.  The ones that tell me I couldn't possibly be loved.  They tell me I mean nothing to anyone.  They put blinders on my eyes, so that I can't see truth that stands before me.

I believe I mistook excitement for lack of love or selfishness.  Papi's urgency for this top surgery didn't take the place of my love's caring for me, although I thought it did.

just like the ex who chose heroin over me ...

We went to a friend's 9 year clean cake.  I had been crying before we went and was feeling extremely emotional to begin with, then going to one of the rooms full of nutballs like me, I was even more stressed.

What if they recognize that I'm one thought away from using drugs myself?  What if they see beyond my swollen eyes and perceive the craving I had the night before?  Would using those pills stop the tears?

one moment at a time I stay clean and sober.

When I looked around the room, I honoured those who still suffered.  They in turn could see the fear in my own eyes.  The impending relapse.

Then my love did something that I just could never have believed would happen.  Mi esposo admitted to having used drugs to get past the pain of Mr. Moustache's passing.

I cried.

In front of many strangers that I could recognize in myself, I cried.

I couldn't stop.

I know that I've spent many a day in those rooms in tears.  I think people just seemed to get used to it.

"Oh yeah, that's just Andréa.  She'll stop crying as soon as she leaves."

Just the way it is for this highly emotional being.

After we celebrated our friend's 9 years, Papi and I were able to speak about the night before.  My love didn't know I had cried myself to sleep, because I didn't want Papi to know.  It's bad enough for one person to be in pain.

When I told mi esposo how I was feeling, I realized yet again, that I am just as important.

I admitted that I have been feeling unloved.  Mi esposo allowed me to express that feeling, but confirmed that it just may be I'm a little more sensitive right now.

It's so very true.

Ever since that moment of paranoia just over a week ago, I have been feeling not quite right.  It just may be the demons tugging at my sleeve.

they whisper when you're not paying attention

I have been in quite a state of disarray for a few weeks now.  Something is going on, and I'm not sure what it is.

A friend posted on her Facebook wall about not knowing what she needs.  I know this feeling so well.




Just under.

It's not the first time I've had this feeling, but it's certainly the first time I've had someone to love me through it.

I'm usually alone and scared when these feelings come up.  Right now, I have my love.  I also have my Other Person who is diligently keeping contact to help with my heart.

I have friends who are giving me little gems of support and one friend who helped me realize that the stress I've been under for 4 months is the reason for all the strange goings on in my body.

I have everything I need.

Now, my job is to tell those demons to fuck off and get back my strength.  I am still armed with my Trust List and it's time to have a going away party for the demons.

My love has proven yet again that I am still able to keep the heart I married.  I am still able to soak in those eyes that confirm truth and caring.

This isn't an easy road.  I believe it's the most difficult emotional turmoil I've ever had to deal with, but this time, I'm not alone.

We're both on the same path.  We have the same boulders to pass.  We just have different ways to conquer them.

Do I go over or around?


  1. OH, Andrea, how strong you are. As always, heartfelt and beautiful.

  2. jamie you are too sweet thank you ...

  3. No, get a gun and blast those fuckers into little pieces and just walk right over them.

  4. Andrea, I have to agree with DCG.. blast those fuckers and show them that TOGETHER you will get through this! ~HUG~


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