"Permission to scream, Sir!"

We really need our friends.  More importantly, we need to have good friends.

I had the pleasure of speaking to a blogger friend yesterday, albeit on the Facebook chat.  It didn't crap out on us and that was a great thing.

What happened while I was chatting with her, was that I realized just how much pressure I'm under.  I'm a survivor, so I tend to downplay events in my life.

However, this is mostly out of fear that people will think I'm whining.

echos of my mother; 'you have nothing to cry about'

But goddamit.  There's a hell of a lot going on.

First of all, while living in this rubble, I am feeling like I'm completely out of control.  It really hit me this morning.

I lied in bed hoping that I would just fall asleep again, because if I got up, I'd be welcomed by a minimum of 3 strange men in my house.  Granted, I'm getting to know them and they really are very nice, but none-the-less, there are people in my house that I have to wade through just to get to my coffee.

The thought of starting my day amongst these people had me lying as still as a corpse.  I think I was just hoping it would all go away.

It didn't.  The second I sat up in bed I had a cat yell at me.

The animals.  They want to be fed the moment I'm up.  Trying to find them a place to eat is a challenge too.  Today, I just left the 2 most scared up with Papi.  I just couldn't handle wrangling them up while my head was splitting.

they're not going to starve.  they can eat later.

I've had a migraine since the crying session 2 nights ago from the other stressor.  But 'you', my imaginary friend know all about the male transformation affliction.  Do I really need to say anything at this point?

top surgery, whiskers and pronouns, oh my!

I haven't had a balanced meal in over a week, due to the fact that we have no stove.  This messes with my psyche.  I need proper nutrition or this brain of mine will cease to function.

pretty much ... yup ... TILT!!!

I have embarked on my music once again, now that my brain injury has given me the space to do so, but this creates a whole other can of worms.

A LOT OF WORK!!!!!!

Now, normally, I embrace work.  I'm a bit of a border collie.  You keep throwing the ball, I'll keep chasing it.  But the feeling of trying to get anything accomplished in a house where there is a full hunt for shoes is really hard.

i don't know what these men do with my stuff ... seriously!!!

Being in this disaster is a bit like our own version of Survivor.  I'm not sure how many people could live with saws, hammering, dust, paint fumes, no stove, no tub ...

yes ... you heard me right ... i am stinkin' it up big time ... offending myself!!!

... and the same pair of jeans for 4 months straight.

No, I don't think many people could handle this.

Then there's the fact that we just lost a pet, my love has had a small relapse ...

even though i don't believe there's any way to measure a relapse.  a relapse is horrifying no matter the size ...

... and now I have to go back to my doctor to talk about my blood work.  It's never good when they want you to come in.  At least my ultrasound didn't show anything life threatening.

I'm almost back to my job.  It will feel like a holiday while I'm away from this mess.

Mess.

Yes I am.

I am a walking sty.  I think anyone would be.

I'm beginning to understand why I am on the verge of explosion every second breath.