Thursday, March 24, 2011

Time for a holiday

The fear of the unknown is what's scary.

Well, to me anyway.

I need to know what's coming.  I need to have a good vision in my head of what will be.

This truly is why I've had anxiety since I was a kid.

I remember lying in bed at the ripe age of 8, and had just learned more about the universe.  I had learned how it goes on forever.

My immature brain just couldn't comprehend this information.

to be quite honest, i still can't get it

I would think to myself: but it has to end because everything ends.  So what's at the end?  A pasture of cows?  But then that has to end too!  So what's after that?!?! Something has to be after that!!!!

I would lie awake and my thoughts would go on and on and I'd get more panicked because it just didn't make any sense.  Everything has edges!

Even a circle has an outer edge!  And after that edge is air, but then the air would end with the next article full of molecules that may be beside it.

I wouldn't sleep because of the terror of this new information that just wasn't logical.  It was my first experience of anxiety driven insomnia.  I didn't know there would be more to come.

The unknown.

it's amazing i don't have an ulcer by now

I was looking at the cute 4 pane picture that Papi and I got at a photo booth in Seattle on one of our tattoo expeditions.

Mi esposo es guapo!

Si, Papi es caliente!  This is something I know.  I look at that pic full of love and laughs, and I see such a gorgeous spouse.

My fear of the unknown is that Papi will be unattractive.  I'm starting to see this as a wee bit silly.

If my love is attractive now, then that should stay the same, no?  It's not like mi esposo is going in for the 'hideous plastic surgery package'.  There's no appointments for getting a larger nose, buck teeth, a wandering eye, a triple chin, a very high forehead and lack of neck.

No, this isn't what's happening.

I look at this picture in terms of the now.  It was only taken a couple of weeks ago, and Papi is still as attractive and good hearted as that day.  I'm still feeling gratitude that I'm married to an amazing being.

But that little girl?  Oh, she's in there.  She's telling me lies about how the unknown is utterly terrifying.  She's telling me that there will be one scary being to look forward to.

The vision she throws at me is really not nice.  All she can see is a middle aged, pot bellied, male pattern balding 'man', with a gross bushman beard.

I'm not a fan of facial hair.  Papi knows this.  But my love really wants the experience of having that manly trait.

all i see is that picture that has scarred me for life ...

The little girl is so afraid of this happening.

The little girl needs to take a chill pill.  But then, that would probably have her cascading into another fit of addiction.

The eternal get away.

She just wants a 'thought vacation'.


  1. I know that you know that if Papi was hot just a few weeks ago, he will still be hot in a few months from now...I can sort of understand that she [he] wants to grow some hair I can also understand that's its not for you... so compromise maybe let him grow it for just a little while then get him into the smooth shave bit ...with the super smooth old spice old fashioned shaving stuff in a cup with a brush I think you can still get it.... my Dad used it, I know your not keen on that smell, but it smells clean and creates a smooth smooth face lol.
    Compromise is going to have to be the key in your situation I have seen some pretty hot women to man people in my time and most just look butch not manly even with the dreaded hormones... and the nip and tucks, just think Papi might still look like a fem version of a man and isn't that what you already like.
    You love him I know you can do this and still love the pants off him.... its the little changes that will be the hardest...put that pic away now and look towards facing the future it just may not be that bad in fact I am sure it wont be.
    Remember a lot of fear comes from the unknown so try not to worry you meditate no? visualize the best possible outcome, excersise a lot....and drink sleepy time tea !! as a chill pill but not addictive is Bachs Rescue Remedy it works BTW I am 23 years clean, but not sober all the time but I don't have a problem only my liver does... so I face that one next
    Cheers Stell

  2. chill pill :)
    Lovely term! nice read!

  3. It's funny; it's frightening; but that's life. I had to chuckle reading your words. You made me think of this:
    Annie Hall: the universe is expanding

    I'm out here reading.
    wb :-)

  4. william ... i checked out the link ... truly ... that was me as a kid ... what's the fucking point.


  5. "middle aged, pot bellied, male pattern balding 'man', with a gross bushman beard." LOL that had me laughing and thinking OMG you know my ex husband LOL



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