Gratitude.

This planet is getting messy.  The U.S. has a financial meltdown along with fires and flooding. Haiti lives with their never ending disaster.   Libya, Greece et al are revolting.  Japan has a new found reality. Australia is in dispute with mother nature and there's so much more.  I just can't keep up with it all.

I'm sure Canada and Europe must be next.  Every other country is imploding, so I guess it will happen to us too.  We're not exempt.

Yet there I sat, with anxiety bursting through my blood, because I have to go to a new gym where I don't know anyone.  My stomach turned when thinking that I had to go to a class for yoga.

I am terrified of people.  It's absolutely ridiculous. 

When I got there, I had nothing but smiles from the employees and friendly people in the change room. 

I went to the rowing machine and had my usual rivalry with the person next to me, even though they were not aware of the athletic event. 

i'm faster ... yes!

Another guy came by to try his hand on the machine next to me, and I smoked his ass too.  I outlasted two people AND went faster than them.

Competition.

It's my way of being ok.  I don't have your fancy name brand attire, but I'll annihilate you on the rower in my ratty old sweat pants.

Off I go to the yoga room and insecurely choose my spot near a wall.  I still think I need to be near something solid in case I fall. 

The diminutive red-headed yogini invited me to come closer, "Yeah, it's a habit from brain injury.  I still think I need the wall from my lack of balance.  Today I'll be brave.  Today will be my first day away from the wall."

She was ecstatic that I had a monumental moment in her presence, and noted how well I did.

of course!  i'm in competition with everyone in the room!  and you're my next contestant.

At the end of the class, the only thoughts I had were, 'Life is so fucking good.  I'm so fucking lucky to be me.'

I was so afraid of going, yet I made it, and did amazingly well.

When I watched the news later and saw all that was happening to Japan, I realized that my minuscule fears are nothing.  Absolutely tiny.

The person I love is making a happier existence, yet somehow it makes me scared enough to cry for 6 weeks straight, and fret about pronouns, body parts and hair.

Japan is going to have to rebuild their lives.  Mexico is living in fear of the drug lords.  Haiti, oh Haiti, my heart breaks for you.

There is nothing in these small fears that any ONE person in these countries would look at and think, 'Really?  Try this one!'

I know that it really is all about perspective and everything is relative to our own experiences, but damn!  I am truly narcissistic.

I have the greatest love in the world.  It really doesn't matter who Papi wants to be.  I'm in love with mi esposo's soul.

I am so damn lucky.

Susan Jeffers has a book that I've never read, but I've lived by the title all these years: 'Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway."

Indeed.