Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Every day is a new day.

One of the reasons I'm so frightened by Papi's using is because of my own thoughts of using to take away the pain.

A holiday.  No more stress.

It's been a wicked 4 months and I am looking forward to it all ending.  Everything ends, and a new round begins.  The roller coaster has to come up if it's gone down.  At the same time, it has to go down to build the momentum to get back up.

The only difference is, I usually love the thrill of the slide on the roller coaster in the amusement park.  The literal one.

The figurative one?  It's not so fun.  I'm feeling so much stress that when I went to a meeting last night, I almost cried in front of the board.

We do this check in thing.  I hate it right now.  People talk about their good stuff going on, their bad stuff going on and I just sit there trying to find the optimist so I don't bring an entire room down that hill with me.

"Well, we might have a home to move into next week," the board applauded, "and I hope that the joy of a home will ease off all the stuff that's been going on for 4 months.  I'm just trying to get through what life is offering right now."

It was as cryptic as I could get.

I wasn't the only one who had doom and gloom in their check in, but I surely felt like people were thinking, "For fucks sakes just get over it."

Don't be calling the authorities in fear about what I'm going to say, but Papi and I, at the end of the day, both spoke about how hard we're both feeling the effects of all this.

Papi said, "Now I know why trans people commit suicide.  We're just not understood.  I'm feeling suicidal today."

I didn't feel fear of my love's words, I just replied, "Well, I've been feeling suicidal for over 2 months now.  Yesterday it was really strong."

Not shocked at what I'd said, Papi suggested, "I guess we'll just have to do it together then.  I suppose we'll have to bring the animals with us."

"Jeeeeezus.  No.  We'll have to give them away."  I thought about that for a moment, and realized my idea wouldn't make me feel settled, "Ummm ... no.  That will be too hard for them.  We'll have to wait until they're all dead.  Then we can do it."

Papi agreed.

I think we both knew that by the time the animals all passed on, this should all be settled down, one way or another.

So there it was.  We will stay alive for the animals.

I've been there before.  I once stayed alive for my dearly departed rottweiler.  Once she was gone, I started planning my end.  Then I went on medication, and here I am.  Alive to write about the next journey.

I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 11.  It's nothing new for me.  It's just the way I think.  I'm not afraid of it anymore.  If I really feel like it's a thought that I'm planning, I'll talk to someone seriously about it.  Otherwise, I just let those little demons have their play time and move on to another thought afterward.

I've had a few attempts in my life.  Mostly around when I was a teen.  It wasn't easy, getting used to this brain I have.  Even with medication, I'm still a loon.  But as I grow and age with myself, I am able to figure out what  the good choices are to appease the demons.

Proper diet, exercise, and getting all this crap out of my mind that stomps around.  The more it stays up there, the bigger it gets.  It's like tsunami pulling all the good in it's current.

I get my tsunami warnings.

But I have you, my imaginary friend, to take the crest of the wave.

As I pass my words onto you, you help build the wall to save me from drowning.

These words you've read are gone now.  I get a clean slate to start this new day in hopes that it is better than the one prior.

It's my only wish in life, to be happier than I was the day before.


  1. Andrea, I have numerous times chosen to stay alive for my cat. I know how that feels. But you also need to stay alive for me. Who else am I going to learn what the world is like from your perspective from? I can only learn that from you.
    *hugs* I'm here for you.

  2. Wow. I understand the suicide thing. I have had issues since I was a little kid as well. If you ever need to talk, hit me up.
    Just keep moving forward. You will find some dry land.

  3. and you shall be happier that each day before :)

  4. ya ... today was a much better day ... it always calms down. i just never know what to do when that overwhelming feeling comes ... i just have to wait for 'tomorrow'. 'tomorrow' is always full of hope.

  5. Take my hand.... I've rode many a waves before. I can at least make you laugh and keep your head afloat....


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