Survival of the Fittest

Shit's hittin' the fan in Andréa Land.

Papi informed me last night that mi esposo is no longer clean.  Still sober, but no longer clean.  I've suspected this during the past 2 years of motorcycle accident recovery.

Occasionally my love has used my pain medication for various 'pains', but I have always known that this has been 'using', because the 'use' continued past the 'pain'.  However, it's not my place to tell someone they're using.  It's up to the person to come to that realization and admit their addiction.

Oh, I'll hint in the 'planting the seed' kinda way, but never judge or accuse.  It's up to ourselves to get to that place in our own minds, or we'll never do anything about it.

After Mr. Moustache passed, Papi secretly used my pain meds to get through it, but also had taken the Valium that was prescribed for the demon cat that tries to kill my cats.  I had wondered why my love was being so cranky towards me on that trip down to the States.  There was road rage from my love that had me in tears with my P.T.S.D.

Papi always has road rage, but this time was different.  I was terrified and begged my love not to play around with the jokers that were trying to force us into an accident.  My love ignored me and entertained the addict inside.

Afterward, Papi apologized, seeing the panic attack it caused.

"But you're not sorry.  You say you're sorry, but you continue to do the same things.  If you were truly sorry, you'd stop this behavior."

I felt as though I was being abused.  It was so hurtful that my love would get into a road game of chicken with me in the car.  Papi knows how bad my P.T.S.D. is.

I told my love that I need mi esposo to go to anger management. 

i could use a little myself, as nobody really sees my rage, because i hold it in ... this is the stuff that creates cancer.

Deep down, I knew then that mi esposo was using my pain meds, but I gave my love the benefit of the doubt. 

maybe papi's just tired from the graveyard shift?

Life comes with death.  We can't have one without the other, and it's sad.  It's heartbreaking when our little friends leave us, but it's not an excuse to use.  Really, there's no 'excuse' for using, other than the fact that we're an addict.

So then I start to wonder, is my love really happy in this relationship?  Is Papi's weight gain over the past 2 years a signal of mi esposo's misery with me?  Is Papi's using another way to say, 'I'd like to disassociate from you'?

Is mi esposo's gender dysphoria really just a way of pushing me away and saying I don't want you anymore?  This is the one that scares me the most, as I've told my love how little I'm attracted to F-Ms.

Papi says it isn't, "That's ridiculous!  I love you so much!  The only reason I can actually do this transition is because you are in my life and I feel safer than I've ever felt."

Still, I'm heartbroken.

My clean and sober love has slipped into active addiction, and I never wanted to see this happen.

I want my love to be healthy, happy and strong.  Just like when we first started dating.  I've asked Papi to go back to meetings, get back to the gym, put down the cookies, pizza and candy, and get better.  Get happy.  Get healthy.

It's a matter of survival for our relationship now.

I need my love.  I am in love with the greatest soul I could ask for.

But I can't be in a relationship with someone who is self-destructing.

Been there.

Survived that.

Don't need to do it again.