Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm too slow

One day this week I came home to a new t-shirt splayed proudly on the La-Z-Boy for me to see.

It reads, 'Secretly Loves Trannies'.  When I first looked at it I laughed, then I quickly thought to myself, 'hell no, ain't wearing that thing!'

That changed when I started to think about how funny my love is.  We both like to deal with this transformation in humour when we can.  It takes the edge off.

My thoughts turned to Papi ordering this shirt.  I could just see that snickering face and eager fingers typing in that credit card number.  I could also see the little devil horns poking through that salt and pepper hair.

That's when I thought the shirt was pretty funny.  I texted my love to express the amusement I found in my new attire.  I received back a text, "Yeah, and most people won't even know what it means, so they'll think you love car transmissions."


Most ignorant people will.  The ones that know what it means will assume I'm one of the "Rah-Rah-Tranny" types.  That's cool.  I can handle people thinking I'm more on their page than I really am at this point in time. 

i'm still trying to catch up!  i'm just not as fast a runner as you papi!

Papi's silliness came this same week I made light of that damn calendar.  You know the one.  That monthly reminder of my love's transition that has faces of F-Ms sticking out everywhere?  These faces are just not people I'd be attracted to, no matter how sweet of a heart they have.

Up I go to the attic, and searched through pics to find the vision of mi esposo I love the most.  I printed it out 10 times over, cut out Papi's faces, and plastered each one on every uncomely face of every remaining month of 2011.

I hung it back up for Papi to see, but it just didn't happen. 

seriously!?!  i guess you're going to need a bit of a push ...

While my love was in the kitchen I yelled, "Hey can you tell me what the last Monday of the month is?"

I watched mi esposo walk over to look.

I wait ...

Then I hear these little giggles and pages turning, then more giggles.

Papi liked it.

These are the dippy moments in our journey together that I have to remember when I'm feeling like perhaps my not being caught up to Papi is causing our relationship to fail.

I'm so scared that my lack of speed will have mi esposo running into the sunset with a Tranny Chaser who will prove to my love that I'm not good enough, not accepting enough, not understanding enough.

Just not enough.

I have to remember on the days where Papi leaves early to work because of the horridness of our new suite, where there are lights hanging precariously from wires and there are empty sockets where the plugs should be.

This 'home' where there is no toilet or sinks.  This 'living space' without cable hookup, forcing Papi to Mickey Mouse something that works, because to my love it is 'the most important part'.

Papi couldn't wait to leave our tiny, dilapidated nest.  The agitation coming from my love was so thick that I started to think it was me that was the problem.

I get this way when there's raging hormones to deal with.  Sometimes, PMS gets bad, and this is one of those times. 

paranoia ... self destroyer ... but you have to sing it with the english accent like the kinks.

Papi quickly left our suite because it is just so unlivable, yet I took it as my love just couldn't wait to get away from me.

Yes, I have to remember during these terrible PMS times.  I have to remember right now.

please remember you're still loved ... even though you're slow ...


  1. ~HUGS~ you are so loved!!!
    I love the pictures you pasted on the calendar idea :) Hmm my head on the penthouse hotties calendar? Maybe not eh LOL
    you are awesome and so strong! You are amazing!

  2. Andrea, I love you even more after reading this post. From where I stand you are running much faster than you think. You're just looking at your feet from the wrong perspective. You are like Speedy Gonzales carrying bags of emotions and learning to shift their weight around. Fast. Very fast. You'll be even faster when you get the bags to where you want them, but you are running even now.

    Your favourite rambling Borderline

  3. i really wish my brain saw it that way ... i hate pms ... everything gets so distorted.

    i just want papi to wake up so that i can have confirmation of love in one of those sweet strong hugs

  4. Andrea, you are travelling so fast. You are awesome, and I am sure your love knows it.

  5. My PMS gets me too. I get paranoid, depressed, anxious. It will get better soon. At least with PMS, I can say that with certainty.

  6. aw bio ... i'm just waiting for it to go ... and now my poor brain injured brain is doing fucked up things today ... just ask dirty and border ...


    i should just give up today

  7. thanks :D I already feel very welcome


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