Sunday, April 10, 2011

you DON'T want to get me angry.

Well, last night the time came where I decided to watch the videos and prepare for Papi's top surgery.

It really wasn't what I expected.

I thought I'd be looking at a clinical documentary about how to care for the person who's had top surgery.

Nope.  I got the Rah-Rah-Tranny people and their fucking pom-poms.

The F-M patient had little more than "Umm ..." and "What not" in their vocabulary, which drove me nuts the most, so I didn't like him right from the start.

jeeeezus people!  if you're going to make a video, fucking well get used to public speaking to keep our fucking attention!!!!!  being cute does fuck all on a screen!!  fucking wall flower!!!!

It was the Rah-Rah-Tranny people's experience on the expedition.  Not the reality that I'm living in.

All I wanted to see was how to take care of Papi.  I didn't want to see 2 people jumping up and down in the transgender glee club.

I felt disconnected.  I felt anger.  I felt that yet again, I am alone in this.  Everyone on that screen, and my love sitting in the room with me, were enthralled.

The wife of this F-M said, "I'm so excited!"  She didn't say, "I'm so excited FOR HIM!"  She is excited for the lack of breasts on her husband.  She obviously hasn't had the grieving process that I've had for the past 4 months.

She obviously didn't sit in a La-Z-Boy for 6 weeks crying and catatonic.

she's a tranny chaser who got her prey.

I was devastated.

It felt like my love was the child with a new toy.  The child is so delighted about it they had to show it off to the world.  Not much unlike when I make Papi sit through animal YouTube videos.  I'm elated and Papi is a little more than bored, staring at my exuberant laughing as if to say, "You're a loon my dear."

When it got to the point of the person getting their bandages off, it was the saddest moment for me.  I didn't see the scars covered in tape.  I didn't see the gruesome details.

I saw a lack of something beautiful.

All I could think was, "How can you do this to yourself?"

I could imagine what should have been there.

I saw Papi.

I saw mi esposo lying there with a Cheshire Cat smile.  I couldn't even see myself in the background, because I am a wilting flower.  My petals are browning from lack of nourishment.  All I am is a flower who's time has passed, and my stem is buckling over a vase.

I saw myself disappear along with my love's breasts.

The tears fell and the sobbing began.

I have a Trust List, and a few people on it who understand my sorrow and grieving for losing the 'wife' I married.

It's time to make plans with them so that I'm not alone amongst the Rah-Rah-Tranny people.  They are loud and proud.

Papi suggested I make my own video of MY experience in this.  So that other people in the world get to see the other side.  I know there's more people in my predicament who are feeling as lonely and broken as I.  It's the reason this blog is here.

Fuck the Tranny Chasers and their fucking glee.

How about some real emotions of LOSS you mother fuckers?!?!

Fuck the tears.  Now I'm angry.

You DON'T want to get me angry.  I'll get all creative on your asses!


  1. i think making your own video is a SMASHING idea! love you darling. terribly much. you're doing great, i promise. xx

  2. Yeah, totally think you should do that too - be good for you to look back on in time and see how far you've come, never mind how it could help other people :)

  3. I am with you 100% A. Don't get angry. Get your creative juices flowing. Tell it all, let it rip. It will definitely be a great catharsis plus you can use one of your awesome music to score your video. I can only imagine the intensity of this work and how it will turn out.
    Go for it!
    On another note: I read a book, a true story that may be helpful to you. I need to find it and send you the link.
    Take care sweetie. Looking forward to your work of love. :)


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