Monday, April 18, 2011

My Sperm Donor

Today I receive my beautiful 1910 Heintzman upright grand piano.

My fingers  have been waiting 5 months to play for my heart.  But, I have to be careful as to what I choose to play

Sometimes, it can pull me further into the pit of doom.  Sometimes, the most emotional of songs will reach that part of me that is aching, and those sound waves will whisper in my ear as if they are a living tortured soul, crying with me in empathy.

I've learned over the years as to which songs I should play for different feelings.  I am so sensitive to music, that when I'm feeling low, I can't listen to anything that would entice the demons to come for a visit.

When emotions are raw, I can only play classical music on those ebony and ivory keys.

These songs of intricate notes, filling the page, requiring every last bit of my attention will take my mind away from disaster and steer it into a more physical experience.

Once, I learned a song for my father.  He was a Supertramp fan, which means that I would be too.

anything to try to earn his attention ... it never worked

I learned 'Downstream' for him, because he liked it and had once said, "You should learn that one."

From that point forward, every time I played and sang that song, the tears would well up and I'd be crying through the words.

Last night, during The Great Sewage Flood Purge, I found a picture in it's frame that I've been hanging on to for about 12 years.  It was my reuniting with Dad.  I looked like a tiny child being held by her father, even though I was a grown woman.

I have hated the frame all this time.  It's ugly and dated, but I would hang on to it, because it's the only picture I have of Dad and I together.

I've seen him a couple of times since then, but it's still not the relationship that I needed so badly when I was a kid.

I finally took the photo out of the horrid frame and threw that bitch in the trash.  I put the depiction of falsity in a place with all the other photos Papi and I have found during our unpacking of mess.

It will go into a box with the rest of the forgotten images.

I feel as though the last ditch effort Dad could have made wasn't made at all, and he is now just as unimportant to me as I am to him.

Don't get me wrong.  I love Dad, because he's the sperm that brought me to this world, but I've never had a father.

I wanted Dad to be at my wedding and he and his lovely common-law wife said they couldn't make it down because of many reasons.  She has too much pain, they can't afford it ...

can't afford to come to my wedding, because they're too busy spending all their money on booze 'n smokes

... and the list goes on.

I understood the list.  I was a practising alcoholic/addict for years.  But what I couldn't forgive?  Not even so much as a congratulations, not a card, not a call, not a 'good luck'.


was it because it was a same sex marriage? 

Not sure what I was expecting from a dead-beat dad. 

andréa, haven't you learned? those damn expectations will get you every time.

The picture is being put away.  I hate that ugly fucking frame and I threw it in the trash with glee.

I will play my piano today for Papi and I.

I just might play Dad's song.  Somehow, I don't think I'll cry.


Not anymore.


  1. Oh, I'm excited for you and your piano! Play for you, play for Papi! Fuck your Dad, he doesn't deserve to hear you don't even need to play that song. It's not a part of you...not anymore.

  2. Hey, I got one of those too. Amazing how on my 18th birthday he remembered to cut off child support, but my card never quite made it. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve you.

  3. I'm quite jealous - I can play the piano, although not for a very long time but I have often said I would like to get one because I'm sure with practise I'd get there again.
    I love the moonlight sonata - but it's not compatable with short fat fingers lol.

    Sometimes we need to spring clean people in/out of our lives more then stuff xx

  4. @jamie ... dads can be such crap eh? i'm glad you have a good mum xo

    @dirty ... you know, the purge is also getting rid of sentimental things that i hang on to when people don't hang on to me :)

  5. It's like a blog post that Dirty Cowgirl wrote's time to cull the list.

  6. What r u gonna do with a piano when ur moving to another country? U taking it?

  7. I know exactly what you mean. I only recently met my "sperm donor" at 30 years old... He only was around a couple of times when I was little. It took a lot of difficult conversations with him to even have a relationship and "forgive" him. Of course, he'll never be my father.

  8. @framma, dirty's post may be seed that prompted my letting go :)

    @rafa, sadly (oh so very sadly) i'll have to put my piano in storage, or possibly **gasps** sell it and buy one there

    @heckle, there are so many of us out there. it's nice to know more of us so that we don't feel so left out of the beaver cleaver club xo

  9. Oh, you cry with some music, i can relate to that. Music and songs can make me cry but then some can make me happy :)

    I agree with what jamie said to you.

  10. Sperm Donor is probably the best and most appropriate label. At least, we got you out here.

    I would love to go back to Piano lessons. Ugh!

  11. I've always admired people who can play

    following and supporting

  12. @DG, some of us are more emotional that's for sure :)

    @psycho, i do thank my dad for getting me here, and my journey is my journey ... makes me who i am xo

    @G, welcome to my world :)


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