Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Chapter Four: Sexy Sauna Party

My hands shook when I saw the face of the person who was signing us in to the party.

Remember my nightmare of rape by the person in our community?

It was her.

She is the sweetest person, yet all I could see was her face turning into the demon that raped me in my dream.  It was a flashback that kept happening over and over.

I let Papi take care of all the speaking while I stared and handed over the money.

here ... take all of it ... please don't hurt me

My love knew exactly what was going on with me.  Mi esposo knew the moment we saw this butch that I was going to have troubles.

My legs barely carried me down the stairs and the first wave of hugs began when we entered, breathing in the heavy air and trying to act 'normal'.

not sure why you're hugging me ... when i asked for your support, you never even so much as returned my email ...

I gave a half-hearted hug.  Enough that she would know that there was now a wall between us.

I then received hugs from my Trust List people.  I took that hug of support like I was a child hanging on to their mother's leg for dear life.

clingy ... don't be clingy ... nobody likes it

Papi and I did our best to just be calm amongst the naked bodies everywhere.

It was a private party that happened every year.  Naked women everywhere, the birthday women getting lap dances and breasts being flaunted in their faces while sex-pots sang Happy Birthday, kinksters getting their asses welted by the birthday women's toys of infliction. 

Yes, it is the birthday women who GIVE the spankings at this party.

There were exhibitionists having sex in the semi-private rooms, there were people making out in all corners and I was just standing there with my bathing suit on.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed by stress, I can't show my body.  I feel the need to hide.  My little red bikini doesn't hide much, but it was enough to keep me feeling somewhat protected.

you people don't get all of me yet ... you abandoned me for 5 months ... 

Papi and I were in our own world.  We went into the sauna that was filled with people, but somehow we were alone.  My head laid on Papi's lap.  Those hands caressed my body where ever they could reach.

Sweat was dripping and mi esposo had enough of the hot, "I can't take it anymore, can we get out of the heat?"

I did it for my love, but also because of fear.  I could have stayed there, but I wasn't staying alone.  What if a Rah-Rah-Tranny attacked me with words spewing judgement?

My love and I took a stall and laid together.  The tears began in my eyes.  Here, in this place, there were breasts everywhere, yet soon my love would have none.

This moment of security with Papi however, turned into a beautiful moment of expressing our physical love of one another.  I was pleased in more ways than one, and there really existed nobody but us.

We laid together for quite some time, but when we decided to go, we were halted by one of the birthday women.  My newest member of my Trust List.

So, I lied.

We have Chapter 5.


  1. Wow...quite the life of emotion you're valiant despite how you think you're portraying yourself.

  2. sandra, the craziest part is all i seek is peace.

    it's my only venture on this journey ... happiness of peace.

    i still walk searching

  3. Oh I think you'll find it - eventually.

    I have my fingers crossed there's a pot of gold waiting at the end of your rainbow :)

  4. Very beautifully written. So much description and interpretation. Very impressed.

    P.S. I checked out your tunes on MySpace. I feel like a creeper now... As you can tell i have a very busy job.

  5. @dirty, i'm keeping my eyes open for that rainbow

    @moby, thank you and stalk away ... it's what my music is for :)

  6. Just beautiful A. You're getting good at this, one chapter till the next.
    Tread on my friend, you'll soon find what you seek.


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