Friday, April 1, 2011

Don't worry, be happy ...

Someone called me strong again.

It's a strange feeling for me when I'm called strong, because honestly, I feel like I'm 10 years old again.  A little girl who has no coping mechanism to deal with the inexperience of life.

At 10, my parents split.  Well, more like my mom kicked out my dad.

With reason.

He was a drug dealer, which meant there were a lot of not so 'desirable' creeps around.

which one of you bastards is the pedophile that destroyed my joy of sex?!?

My dad wasn't the best father or husband, so it wasn't a huge loss, other than the fact that I felt abandoned.

a common thread for the rest of my life ...

At 10, my way of confronting fear was to believe all the words my family told me about being fat, and so I began the cycle of anorexia.

if i lose just one more pound, i might just die ... just like karen carpenter ... please let my heart stop

At 10, my anxiety took over and I became the most worrisome child anybody could meet.



Here I am feeling like that little girl again, and people will tell me I'm strong?

Well, I'm strong for living through a brain injury and coming out on top.  Yes.  I can accept that.

But in this case of my love going through male transformation, I feel weak.  I feel scared.  I am in survival mode.  I will have fear of impending doom and not have any idea what it's attached to.  It is deep and dark and all I can do is try to run past the catastrophic cloud, but it just catches up to me every time.

get busy ... just get busy ... and your mind will leave you be ...

The funny part is, when Papi is around me, all that fear seems to be weakened.  I just have so much joy when looking into my loves eyes.

So much pride when I look at this person that I have been so fortunate to have in my life.

But I can't be around Papi all the time.  Co-dependency is not sexy.  So, when people tell me I'm strong, I really have to shake my head and look at them like they're nuts.

Not unlike when people tell me I'm thin.

if you could only see what the mirror tells me ... if you could only be in my head with this fear

I would so love to be this person people see me as.

I would love to be that amazing woman on stage who exudes presence of power.  She is one that most would look at and say, "She's so lucky."

No, when I'm on stage, I am also a person I would love to be.  If you talk to me 10 minutes after a performance, you'll be sorrily let down.  I am a meek child who just wants to be happy and loved.

Fortunately, it's not a lot to ask for.  I do receive it every day.

I really do have a glass half full life.  I just wish that half empty part would leave me the fuck alone.


  1. Hello Andrea,
    I hope you will not consider that I am recklessly making conclusions for you. But I just wanted to tell you that I find you to be a very strong person. And gifted. But you don't seem to give yourself enough credit for all the battle-scars you have rightfully earned.
    When people tell me I am strong, I bawl out. Mainly because I cry a lot. I used to say, even to this day, that the tears clear my head. But I am not as strong as most people attribute it. What you have gone through in your life would have broken average people like me. I listen to your music and I swear, it heals.

  2. sweety ... your words brought me some beautiful tears as well ... ty ... i really appreciate your insight.

    i cry a lot and i hate it.

    i know i've got some pretty amazing battle scars. i'm pretty proud of how they've healed.

    it's possibly why i like tattoos so much :) one for every heartfelt ache.

    love you

  3. Reading this, I thought of Rilke's words: "Who speaks of victory? To endure is all." Your inner strength shines through in your capacity for self-reflection and the spirit that keeps moving you forward.

  4. thank you NP :) i think i may need to visit Rilke xo


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