Sunday, April 3, 2011

thermonuclear meltdown

Sometimes, we need very clear boundaries.

We want someone to know exactly what we mean, yet, if there's a lack of communication, the other person will have their own idea of our wishes.

I asked Papi not to hide the hormones from me, but I didn't mean to just whip it out in front of me and go to town!

"But you said not to hide it from you!"

Yes, I did.  However, I obviously wasn't very clear about what I wanted.  I really meant that I don't want Papi to sneak around like a kid doing something bad, trying to hide 'it' from their parents.

No, I don't want my love to feel that there had to be this kind of secrecy in our relationship.  It's bad enough that I'm freaking out about it, we don't need 2 people having a hard time now do we?

This male transformation is a road that I would never wish upon anyone like myself.  It's great for the Rah-Rah-Tranny! people, but what about those of us who never wanted it in our lives?

"I wish you were excited for me for this surgery.  (Anonymous) writes on Facebook about how happy she is for (Anonymous) and can't wait for this to be done."

These words crippled me.

another reason to hide my angst from the community

All the work I've done for 4 months seemed to be crushed into a firing meteor of 'not good enough'.

Last night I had my every own thermonuclear melt down.  Papi has been miserable for the past 3 days, and I have had my own issues going on.

A few days ago, I had a dream that I won't go into too much detail about, otherwise, 'you', my imaginary friend, will be here all day reading.

The short of it is, we were being invaded by another country and were captured.  I couldn't find Papi and I was terrified that my love had been killed.


Mi esposo was just in another room having sex with someone I despise.

i haven't even been in contact with 'snoteater' for 5 years ... wtf is she doing screwing papi?!?!?

It was one of those dreams you wake up from, and for the rest of the day you're affected by it.  Actually, you're more than affected by it, you're MAD at the person as if they'd really betrayed you.

When Papi exuded this bad mood, in combination with my dream, my love's words about someone else handling the male transformation better and every single conversation being about the top surgery and how I can't be in Florida for it, I lost it.

Last night I was a sobbing mass of insecurity and I let 'er rip.

To be fair, Papi asked for it.

"Just say it."

I blurted it out between the hyperventilating tears, "I've worked so hard since the day you told me of your decision, and not only do I not have any choice about this in any way, but after all the work I've done, it still isn't enough.  It's just not good enough for you.  You want someone else in this marriage and all I am is an obstacle."

No, it wasn't pretty.

We seemed to work it out.  We always do.  Papi stopped and looked at how far I've come and confirmed that I have done a lot and apologized, "I wouldn't have been able to do this without you in my life.  I love you.  Anyone else would have just left me.  You didn't.  You gave me confidence to do this."

yay me.

We both have our struggles in this.  I realized it when Papi said, "You don't know how hard it was to tell the person I love that I need to do this.  People think I'm horrible for doing this to you." 

who are they?!  lemme at 'em ... nobody calls mi esposo a monster!!!

Yes, we both have our own difficulty in this.

I see this now. 

oh swollen eyes ... please don't give me any more wrinkles than i already have ...


  1. I think your dream was full of metaphors.

    But no doubt you've already figured that out.
    Not to make light of this but last night I dreamt I was trapped in a tunnel with a cow.
    An actual cow with udders. Wtf ?

    If it helps your not the only mad person :)

  2. dirty that was so fucking funny!

    what does it mean!!?!?!?!?

  3. Awwww, Andrea *hug* We have good days, and bad days, eh?

    Either way, tomorrow is a new day.

    I hope tomorrow is a good day for you.

  4. tomorrow is always better. and if it's not, then the next tomorrow will be.

    up 'n down ... and so goes the roller coaster of healing


  5. Not much I can say. Some dreams can creep into your consciousness and you hate everything, the world, everyone in it.
    Just love my dear. Allow the pain sometimes, whilst you can, it's all part of the loving. My Daddy told me once that just because the people I love don't love me the way I love them, does not mean they love me any less. He said I was making it too hard for people to love me because I hurt them all the time.
    Here's a big hug for you.


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