Acceptance.

Day 2 of work?  Definitely not as successful as day one.

Having an all black or white personality is really the pits sometimes.  I gave my back a jolt at work and had to shut 'er down for the day.

I bloody well hurt.

But to be fair, the old guy in the wheelchair I had to push was fucking tall and heavy!!  His feet stuck out past his foot rests and I caught his chair on a gate.  My already fragile back took the entire shock of the impact, as I happened to be in full throttle while pushing him up the ramp.

My all or nothing thinking says, "I just don't think I'll be able to do this job anymore," instead of, "Well, I'll have to try something different with that client next time, so I'll be safe."

No matter what my brain is battling with right now, the mere thought of having to take pain killers absolutely saddens me.  However, sometimes the pain is worse than the rue.

The other half is; will upsetting my stomach be worth swallowing these little pink jewels that act as a pain assassin?

yup.  party time!

Well, I'll be having a cranky stomach for 48 hours.  I've weighed it out.

Back pain = 1

Stomach upset = 0

Pick your battles they say.  Not unlike the process of dealing with my love's male transformation.  I can only take one step at a time.  One fear at a time.  One tear at a time.

One moment of acceptance at a time.

Acceptance.

My love will be having top surgery on June 2nd.  I accept this.  Mi esposo is happy about this.  Something I also accept.

What Papi said yesterday pretty much crams it into that nutshell that is much to small for this nut: "You are the most supportive un-supportive person there could be."

True.

I will be there to help Papi in any way I can.  I am walking with mi esposo along this trudging journey, although sometimes when I fall, it feels as though I'm being dragged along this gravel path like a dirty ragdoll.

I feel the burn on my skin.

Occasionally, I stroll off the trail and have to be pulled out of the quicksand.

Regardless, I am still right here beside mi esposo.

Maybe, while I'm down for the count from this ouch I received today, Papi can just put me back in the wheelchair and do all the work again, like 2 years ago.

memories of papi pushing me on sidewalks in cuba that are really not meant for wheelchairs ...

Well anyway, I've waited for the relax of this ugly man-chair to take the pressure off my seized back while chatting to 'you', my imaginary friend.

The weight off hasn't worked.

So, off I got to the medicine cabinet.

**sigh**

Acceptance.