Sunday, April 24, 2011

Chapter One: Expansion of Trust

It was a day of days yesterday.  So much so, that I'll have to give you a 3 maybe 4 chapter unfolding of events.


I started my day with emotions from hell.  Not only did I feel like the walls were coming in because of The Countdown, but I had a visit from someone that I wasn't expecting.

Someone from the community, whom Papi told could come borrow the power washer.  My love was sleeping the Graveyard Coma and didn't tell me.

So, this person phoned to tell me they're in my backyard, and how was I doing?

how am i doing?  haven't spoken to you since the bomb was dropped and you obviously are oblivious to how difficult this is, so here ya go ... here's how i'm doing!

"I'm breathing.  I'm alive.  I'm a mess."

She was taken aback, "Oh no, well, while we're here picking up the washer, I'd love to give you a hug."

"Alright then, I'll be up in all my glory."

hair a mess, glasses off so i can't see shit, donning crumpled pajamas and a pillow face line ...

She gave me the welcoming hug that made the tears fall.  I blurted it all out.  You don't get to just hold me when I'm hovering over the Pit of Doom.  No, you have to save me to keep me from falling in.

I told her about The Countdown to top surgery, the 6 weeks of lying in a La-Z-Boy catatonic state November/December, and the struggle I've had just to stay above water.  I let 'er rip.

It wasn't what she was expecting, then she dropped a bomb on me.

"Girl, I've been through it twice.  Once with an M-F and once with an F-M.  I said never again.  Never again will I go through this.  The pain and suffering is beyond what anybody could ever imagine."

Then she asked me if this was spoken about before the wedding, and I answered shakingly, "No."

She looked me straight in the eyes, "You have every right to be fucking pissed off.  You have every right to let the wife you're losing know exactly how you feel, and fuck them for their feelings after having lied to themselves about this and in turn lied to you."

I crumpled in her arms.  I cried sobbing, hyper-ventilating tears that were familiar to that 6 week state of demons taking control of my mind.

She held me until my neck muscles, back muscles and shoulders stopped pulsating from my overpowering lungs.

"Come tonight.  Come to the party and get some love."

I told her of my fears of a Rah-Rah-Tranny and what those people could do to my heart when it's in a place of weakness.

She promised to hold me up.

I told her of my Trust List and that I've now collected another heart for my page.

One more added.  Another soul who just appeared out of thin air who knows exactly what I'm going through.


Why aren't those of us who have been there in the forefront?  Why are we forgotten about and our words are like a taboo sin to be heard?

I wasn't really planning on going to the gathering, but after my Trust List expanding, I decided I would.  There would be 3 of them there.

Still, the social anxiety hammered at me all day as I prepared my mind to get ready.

When Papi woke from the Graveyard Coma, I announced we were going and my love began to ask me questions about things we spoke about 3 days ago.

I'm quite worried about this.  Papi's memory has seemed to become a problem all of a sudden.

I told my love that I think it's the hormones.

it has to be ... it's the evil poison that is in your body

And this is where chapter 2 begins ...


  1. As I said before - once you let down the barriers people will come in :)

  2. they seem to just come to me now ... i suppose that's the idea in attraction of energy.

    i suppose i'm putting the energy out there

  3. Welcome the hugs A.
    It feels so good to know that somehow, someone truly understands. Ripping it out is totally cathartic.
    Take care.

  4. psycho, it's amazing how much more strength we can feel just by knowing someone out there really gets it.

    when someone can take the words right out of your mouth, it helps them flow much better

    thank you my friends ...


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