Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Objects in the mind are not as big as they are imagined.

As Papi and I were getting ready for the gym, I had the opportunity to stare lovingly at the gorgeous naked body I will have to say goodbye to.

My love has an appointment for top surgery.

I also found out that I can take some unpaid 'family days' so that I can take care of mi esposo for the first few days where Papi won't be able to lift those tattoo clad arms any higher than 5 inches.

i cringe at the thought of this pain ...

My love told me it would be wise to look at the videos of how to be the care taker.  Not only so that I'm prepared for the task, but also so that I'm not surprised at the gore. 

good fucking god!  breathe ... breathe ...

I guess this is a good idea.  Now I have to find a time where that 'strength' people seem to see in me will come shining through, and I will feel that I can actually witness this.

I'll get there before June 2nd. 

less than 2 months ... my poor heart

There was a momentous moment in my day, however.

I SAW IT!!!!!

Papi came wandering down the hall au naturel while I was brushing my pearlies, "Do you wanna see it?"

I almost choked on my toothpaste, "Now?!?!"

"Well you said you'd like to see it in a non-sexual setting."

"Yeah, but right now?!"

"Why not?"

I battled with my mind that was forcefully saying 'don't do it!', then leaned down preparing for the most terrifyingly massive 5 Foot Clit in the world.

it's going to swallow me like a venus flytrap!!!

When I saw it however, I was surprised at how it looked.

ummm ... definitely not what i was expecting

"Oh!  Well!  It's actually quite pretty!  It looks like a blooming lotus!"

All the fear of the unknown dissipated.  I felt the warmth of peace envelope me in a spine tingling cloak.  All the words of my Other Person telling me it's not as big as I thought it would be instantly became truth.

All of a sudden, my emotions deepened into a place of content and love.  It was as if my love became more desirable to me.

It's not that there wasn't enough desire before, I have plenty of that for my love.  It was only that this one little body part that was previously giving me so much fear, had now become something I wanted to see again and again.

Something's going on for my love hormonally, and there's a lack of libido.  Papi will give me my pleasure if I want it, but mi esposo isn't interested in entertaining that side right now.

I'll tell you though, on the next round, I'm demanding it.

It was the most beautiful blossom.

I have to remember this moment as a teaching experience, yet again.  I really do blow things out of proportion in my thought process.

The fear of the unknown is the most terrifying thing to me.  I must remember that phrase that I tell people time and time again:

Everything works out.

It always does.


  1. So you finally went exploring ! All that trepidation for nothing eh ? One more hurdle overcome, you ARE strong.

    And papi get's to be somewhat reborn on my boys birthday :)

  2. dirty that's so wonderful that it's the same day. now you and i can both give a vibe across the water for some love on that day :)

    i'm a hurdle jumper! woohoo!

    it truly was beautiful xoxo

  3. thats two parallels we have...things happen in threes - wonder what the other ones gonna be

  4. oh dirty! btw ... Papi says, "Tell her I love her."

    in response to you saying my love doesn't suit breasts :)

    and hmmmm .... what will number 3 be?!?!

  5. this is so good to read! loving you and your strength darling. let's make sure we talk before surgery. i'll tell you everything about mine! maybe make it easier? you can ask me anything. write down your questions!
    love you so

  6. :) my dear ... thank you ... i will need to talk a bit.

    i also want to relate to you that my love adores you for your sweetness to me ... and so do i xo

  7. That is so great. I think you two have a very wonderful love that just will see beauty:) Wonderful!

  8. Another hug and another smile for you A. <3 :)
    Proud of you!

  9. OMG! I'm so glad you finally did it! I had seen photos of enlarged clitoris', and they really don't look bad at all. In fact, some women are naturally well endowed! *HUG* I wonder if it will be more sensitive? Since it is bigger? Hmm. Should be interesting to play around with, see how it is different. :)

  10. @jamie: i suppose that's it. it's beautiful because it's on Papi

    @pb: ty ty ty xo

    @bio: i plan on finding all of that out :)

  11. You are so amazing! You can overcome a lot of your fears and enjoy the unknown :)

  12. ty lady :) your hugs are welcomed


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