Monday, August 15, 2011

I guess I asked for it.

"You have to understand that all the things you post in your blog will be seen by the politically correct.  You're not politically correct.  It's kinda like you're being a racist."

These genuine utters stung, bringing on an anaphylactic crying session.  To know that Papi and all the other transgender people, Rah-Rah Tranny folks, Tranny lovers etc. would think that I'm that evil, and that my expressing a cacophony of antipathy could hurt another, stopped me from being able to show my face, even to my love.

My love continued, "I don't see why you don't read more about this so that you're informed." 

like tiny little soldiers we all fall in line ...

I had to be honest with my love, "I really have trouble reading online to better my life.  I have files of links on my computer for things I need to read about from the music industry, how to market better, and learn more for my music production.  I don't even read those, and those are things that are part of learning more for my music.  So, if I haven't even read these things, then I won't get to reading up on transgender issues and how to be politically correct."


I don't read online and learn. 

i didn't ask for this to be my life ...

The only things I like to read are stories that take me so far from reality that I can't come back.

dragons, wizards and magic ... just like magic, sometimes i wish they could wave a wand and poof! i'd disappear ... never again to harm another ...

I cried tears thinking of all the people who have read my instantaneous feelings of the moment.  My fledgling ramblings of how I perceive the transgender world.

My political incorrectness that harms others, when really it stems from ignorance and fear.


Same damn thing as racism.


I'm evil.

The very thing that I fear in other people, that is what I am.

I will ask more questions so that I may learn to be what everyone I've bruised wishes I would be.

It won't bring back the haters that have already made their minds up about how hideous I am.  But I can learn from this, so that I may not damage another living being.

It was never my intention.

I'm aching thinking that another person would be injured I through my words.

The lashing of Papi's tongue has put me down to the dog's mat.  I'll just curl up here for a while and lick my wounds.

One thing that changed last night.  As the tears fell so hard that i felt it coming from my toes, reaching through every vein, strangling my throat until they finally reached my eyes to fall, Papi finally held me.

I haven't been able to lie upon my love's chest since the top surgery.

It used to be my favourite place.

It used to be how we'd end the day.

It used to allow me to hear my love's heart beat and feel that it was beating for me.

I haven't felt that in months.

However, because of the tears that were so obviously painful in hearing the truth about how hideous I could be, mi esposo finally gave me back my chest.

Definitely not as cushiony as it used to be.

Not the butch's breast that I could lie upon for support.



Yet still that heart beat could be heard.

And so could the echos of my love's prior verbal beatings.

It was Papi's truth.

Never meant to hurt, but only to be heard.

And so, I see how I've hurt another.


  1. Hmmm, I've read this post twice today... Having read practically all your posts in the last few days I am really struggling to see why you are labelling yourself as evil. If others have thrown that at you I fail to understand why you should accept their word as gospel.

    I get that you didn't ask for any of this. I get that you are resisting learning more about it. What I don't get is how does your reluctance to learn equates to you being evil? Seriously, someone please enlighten me because I read your posts and every single one of them seems to be written from a heart that is filled with nothing but love.

  2. vee, thank you for your words of support. i am really battling with the pain of people dissing me because i don't follow the rules.

    it doesn't mean i'm going to follow all rules, i've always been politically incorrect at the wrong time. i suppose i'm reacting to papi's dissatisfaction with how i'm feeling about being hurt by people in the community.

    i'm rethinking the evil part and i will more than likely blog about it more tomorrow now that i've stopped crying xoxo

  3. I will ask more questions so that I may learn to be what everyone I've bruised wishes I would be
    You should never try and live your life for other people, you have to be happy with who you are not what people want or expect you to be. Like snowflakes all people are different and because of this no matter how hard you try in life you will never make everyone happy or even make everyone like you.
    As long as you can live with the consequences of your actions sod being PC, after all it’s just another way society has of sticking you in a box and controlling you.

  4. Can I just give you a hug?
    I really feel that you are doing everything you can. Don't beat yourself up. You are anything but evil and I agree with Vee.

  5. @blacklog: thank you. you have reminded me why i did this blog in the first place.

    @delilah: i need that hug. i've had a day to think about it, and i know that i am not evil.

  6. Andrea, I gotta call bullshit on anyone who would say anything you said is like being racist. Racism is hate. Do you hate trannies? Or is it just that it was not something you ever expected to go through. Honestly, If your motorcycle had landed you in a wheelchair for LIFE, do you not think that Papi would be having a few moments of feeling the exact same way, not because it would lessen the love, on the contrary, holding on to someone through severe transformations takes great love, but because it is not something expected as part of your lives together. I think BOTH sides need a lot of support. And support is not telling you how you are supposed to feel. Support is listening to your feelings, acknowledging the right you have to them. No one should tell you how you should feel about this. Anymore than someone has a right to tell another to live in a body that is not right for them. I think sometimes people think about the one going through the transformation needing support. Well you are going through a transformation too, and not one you wanted to go through at that. You do not have to justify your feelings, and frankly, if people don't want to read them they have the option not to. But they do not have a right to try to censor your thoughts to what they deem acceptable.

    Sorry, went off on a tangent there.

  7. jamie, thank you for your tangent ... :) ... i pretty much did the same thing in my blog today.

    no, i will not be silenced, thanx to friends like you.

    they have only fueled my fire to reach those who feel the same difficulties as myself.

    i do not hate.


  8. Dear Andrea, it pains me to see you beat yourself so harshly. I think there's a huge difference between HATERS and people who are honest and stand their ground in their beliefs. I have always admired your honesty, candour and however you say you are not, you are able to "hold the bull by the horns" all the time. It has nothing to do with sounding "politically" upright. To begin with, doesn't "politics" imply, you are taking sides and segregating?
    You are much more than that!
    I wish I could reach out and hug you and hold your hand, just to reassure you that you are a truly genuine and loving person and really, very, very few people in this fucked-up world of ours can OWN UP to their feelings as transparent as you do. And that to me is ACE!

  9. thank you psycho ... thank you so much ... i had a day to think about it and i'm back on my soapbox


    i feel much better now that the pendulum isn't swinging.

    i am me.

    i am not a cookie cutout of every person.

  10. Well she put me through a few years of trouble so now she gets her turn :->

  11. that's my papi ... oh i can get you back for this one too if we're keeping tabs ... remember that i need pain relief in any way i can find it hehehehe

  12. Hellyeah Jamie !!!

    And anyway this is YOUR blog - about you and what you are going through and learning.

    So fuck em !

  13. yup dirty ... as the days went on, i took this attitude as well.

    i'm not into playing any high school games. life's too short.


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