Thursday, August 25, 2011

Biker Granny

It was the G'mas 96th birthday the other day.

When someone is at this age, you don't know when the 'last day' will be .

However, with this old bird, we're pretty sure she'll be living well past 100, because there's much more guilt to be dished out before she retires and gets to see her dearly departed husband and daughter again.

The moment I wake up, there are orders being barked and screamed at me from the Fuzzy Family.  Not to mention, when I walk up the 'my, didn't they do a great job of the carpet' stairs, I am forced to do the old bird's bidding as well.

There is no, "Good morning," or, "Hello."

There is only, "The dog needs brushing!  The flowers need watering!  I can't seem to get the TV on!  Listen, when are you going to get me a new nighty?  Is my laundry done?  I need more underwear!  Andréa, do you hear me?!?!" ad infinitum ... 

yes ... oh i hear you ... but lord knows you can't hear me!

With my eyes half open, my only desire is to get The Golden out to have a morning pee, so I can start the coffee proceedings.

I have to take the orders and just smile and nod, knowing that my job as Cinderella will be ending in the next year when the poor old thing has to go to a home, and Papi and I really start to plan out our dream of moving to the Dominican Republic.

So, we try to keep our cool, remembering that our days are numbered with the old fart.

One thing that Papi has always wanted was to have a picture of the G'ma on one of the many motorcycles that have lived under the carport.

Being the matron of the house, the G'ma has always vehemently replied with, "No, I will not!"

Well, on the crazy old lady's birthday, we were bringing the G'ma home after a nice drive through Stanley Park, which we do every year on her birthday, Papi decided that today was the day for a G'ma pic on the bike.

No questions asked.

As soon as the frail old lady got out of the car, and stepped only a few inches away from the vehicle, Papi snatched he walker away and told her, "I want a picture of you on my bike."

G'ma's response?  Obviously, "No, I don't want to!  Give me back my walker!"

Naturally, the Tranny Terrorist ignored the warden's orders and forced the almost Centurion's ass on the motorcycle, leaving me to just smile and nod at the G'ma.

My love zipped around the other side of the bike, and made progress by turning the old bird around, then demanded, "Put your hands on the handlebars.  Give me your leg."

Papi leaned G'ma back and I was there to hold her from falling completely backwards while her brittle old neck was having trouble holding up her head!

My love didn't take notice that I was doing my best, with what little strength I have right now, to be sure the old thing was safe.

No, mi esposo just pulled G'ma's rickety leg up and over the wind visor like G'ma was a Can Can Girl doing a high leg kick, minus the sexy nylons.

Poor ol' thing shouted, "You're hurting me!  I don't like this!"

Didn't matter to my love.  Papi was getting that picture on the bike no matter what the cost.  G'ma's days are numbered and my love wants to remember her with a picture on the motorcycle.


Once the old boss was actually on the bike, let me tell you.  There were smiles of pride and happiness like I've never seen on this cranky old thing.


She looked like life had just begun again, and she was posing for the camera like the young spirit that is inside her.

Of course, my love was so happy that we finally got the pic of a lifetime, he needed to be documented for this event as well.


Next came trying to get the old fart off the bike, and we had to go through the same procedure in reverse.

After the Gramma Drama was over and she was back to shuffling along with her walker, she got to the end of the carport and the only words that she said were, "You do some strange things."

Yes, indeed G'ma, Papi does.

No matter.

Papi got the picture he always wanted.


  1. LOL, I love that. She sounds like she would give my Nonna a run for her money:)

  2. yeah ... had to documents her on the internet so she'll live forever here :)

  3. Haha! I love feisty seniors! :D

  4. Abhhh How Sweet!!!!! What a great memory to look back and enjoy! And G'ma looked like she was loving it!

  5. yeah ... it was a pretty sweet moment ... even for the cranky ol' fart lol!

  6. I love her, she looks so happy :)

    this blog should be a book someday.

  7. don't let that sneaky smile fool ya alex :)

    and yes ... it will be a book someday ... everyone can read for free until then lol!

  8. I love it.

    And the way you talk about her too.

  9. Aww ... you gotta love grandmas!

    I miss mine, and she is one foul-mouthed, broom swinging, feisty Spanish mujer!

  10. nice psycho!!! yeah ... ours is feisty in guilt trips and passive aggressiveness hehe


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