She is such a hurt young lady, and occasionally, she has to have her quality time to continue healing.
She definitely flows through my tears, and lives deep within my heart. In that place that she calls home.
the pit of doom ... familiar ... still not ready to leave for good ... there's a nice La-Z-Boy down there.
I've coddled her and dressed her wounds that seem to be improving at a stupendous speed. I sent her off to go sleep away the injury. We need to have a suspension of consciousness to heal.
Poor thing is exhausted and through her slumber, is indeed erasing the prior molestation of her self-imposed quiet.
Prior to settling her in, I took her out to a few places where she could feel that she's ok to be herself, and trust in the good of people once more.
Now I can have my time back.
Yesterday was a beautiful day full of surprises, as I found 2 more people to add to the Trust List.
Both came completely out of the blue.
A gentle soul told me in a kind way that my language wasn't quite correct. This sweet person helped me to learn a little more about their transgender world.
I was corrected and learned from him that not all F-Ms are of the third gender, and in turn I thanked him for new found friendship. I also made sure he knew I was grateful that he didn't try hurting me with words, and that I was welcoming him as a new heart to top off the Trust List.
This person said to me, "I may not be a good friend, I've never learned how to be. I am here though."
It was my turn to correct him. "All you have to do is be here to be a good friend. By making me feel better, you have proven your friendship."
I left the conversation feeling that I was stronger yet again. Someone didn't judge me for my ignorance, but allowed me to learn through a peaceful conversation.
My vocabulary and knowledge have been reformed.
When Papi said, "If you want to learn more why don't you look online and read about it."
I replied in honesty, "Because I want to learn on my own by asking questions and learning from my mistakes."
It's how I've always done it.
and we all know how little i like change ...
The 2nd heart I collected was someone I've known for years on end through a secret, anonymous club for drunks. I just would never expected we'd sit and have a conversation about current day life.
I don't know why I wouldn't expect it.
This ally was there through my toughest years of getting clean and sober. This friend has been a fixture since I walked into those rooms filled with the after burn of alcohol.
Why would it be so shocking to me that I wouldn't be judged by someone who has walked through the steps of mental health and spiritual wholeness?
I see now that the day I felt the hurt was a day I let my guard down.
I am surrounded by strength and love, but I have to know when to harness it and be honest with my weakness.
I see now that it's not good to be in physical agony, nor pumped full of pain meds that will change the chemical balance of my brain, when I go to these places I fear.
Having my guard down means the hurt teenager will come to play.
She needs her time and she's not finished healing yet.
I can't let go of her hand for a second or she runs around the room with her arms in the air screaming, "Look at me! Look at me! See my pain! I see the hate in your eyes and you can't fool me! I know who you are!!!"
She's a bugger, but I let go of her hand at the wrong time.
Most definitely, it's good to see where she's at.
It's kinda like stopping the pain killers to actually see how much your injuries ail.
I won't be doing that for a while, and goddamn she needs a definite time out.
Sleep little one, I'm going out into the world again today.