Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Is 'selfish' one of the 5 stages of grieving?

Soooooo ...

I'm still screwed.

Not that it's really anything out of the ordinary in my world of re-occurring back injury flare ups, but the timing on this one really couldn't be worse.

Remember I was talking about the Gender Odyssey and how they actually accepted me for a subsidy?

Well, there's not a hope in hell that in 48 hours I'll be strong enough to handle a 3 hour drive to Seattle.

Hence, I've missed the Pride Parade, missed being in Dykes on Bikes, and now I'm going to miss going with My Person to Gender Odyssey, even though I've already paid my subsidized entry.

permission to have a temper tantrum now, please?!

What's interesting to me however, is the fact that I was really looking forward to going.

yes. you read that right. i was looking forward to going.

It's a strange phenomenon, because never in my life have I even stopped to consider much about the third gender.  I've been burrowed in my bubble, never thinking that for a second that I may need to take the time to think about the topic.


I mean, if I'm not going to date an F-M, because it's not what I'm attracted to, why would I need to grow and learn around this?

ahhh ... the irony


I'm just going to date someone of the third gender, be in denial about it for a couple of years, marry them, then 4 months later, sit in a La-Z-Boy for 6 weeks straight sobbing because my soul mate dropped the transgender, male transformation bomb.

So, when I think about the fact that I was looking forward to going, it shocks me.

Now I do want to learn more about my core issues, so that my mind will open further, and there will be acceptance and love around this topic.

this also means I have to learn to love the hairy legs that have popped up on mi esposo.

I actually am grateful to Papi having thrown me into the pit of doom on this one.

There is nobody else in this world that I could love this much, and stay with throughout this.

So in turn, I'm forced to find a place within my heart where this male transformation can fit, and I can be more of a loving person, instead of fighting this every step of the way.

I feel horrible when my love has problems with injections and I'm not there emotionally to help.

Oh, I'm around, but I'll be in the other room, trying to pretend it isn't happening.

if you ignore it, it will go away ... wait ... i've been trying that for almost 9 months now ... how come it hasn't worked yet?!?!?

The other day, my love asked with sincerity, "Honey, if I'm having trouble with my injections, do you think you're able to help me now?"

I wanted to say, "No," like I have from the beginning, but this is my love!

I stopped the bratty teenager from blurting out her negativity and took a look at mi esposo.  I saw the pleading look in Papi's eyes.

I can't keep hanging this sweet soul out to do everything without any support, so I said, "Yes, I can sweety."

This is the person who has been my care-giver since the accident and does everything for me when I need support.

How could I ever not help mi esposo?

How selfish can I be?!

Yes, it's hard, but damn!  It's time to get off the pity pot and start being there for Papi.  If I'm sticking around to see this love through to the end, then I should act like it.

I guess that's why I was excited to go to Gender Odyssey.  It was to be fresh steps into the rabbit hole of my own mania.

I want to learn more about myself and my clandestine contention around all this.  I really want to be of support and giving of love.

I have to remember that if it were reversed, Papi would drop everything to help me.


  1. I can feel your pain - quite literally.

    I had a surgery in 2008 where they cut my leg in half through the femur and realigned it using donor bone and metal hardware. It acts up sometimes and it can take me down almost instantly.

    It's been hurting and grinding lately, and the limp is getting more and more noticeable. Pretty awesome timing, too, with the wedding right around the corner.

    But you know what I told myself? Mark loves me for me, limp or not.

    You guys love each for EACH OTHER. He knows (is that correct, to refer to him as 'him'?) that you have a bad back - you aren't doing this to be selfish or to ruin things. You're in pain and you can't control it.

    Hope your back feels better soon. :(

  2. thanks tricia, you know where i'm coming from ...

    you know what will happen for the wedding though is you'll have performer's adrenaline and you won't feel a thing!!

    i guarantee it!

    at least for that day you won't feel the pain :)

  3. You do make me smile Andrea, you often write about how you don't know how you are going to cope/accept things but I, and I'm sure everyone else who reads here, can see how far you've come.

    Fuck sake woman look at all the things you cope with asides from the transformation.
    You are probably one of the strongest people I know, and yet YOU don't see it.

    Bit like not seeing your own fab body in the mirror.
    Wish you could see you through my eyes :)

  4. i wish i could see through other's eyes as well dirty ... ''upon reading this a day later, i see how impatient i am with me lol!


  5. You are stronge and beautiful!!

  6. You know what, A, you should really stop being so "hard" on yourself.
    You have come so far, albeit with some hiccups along the way. But look at you! Damn, you're an Amazonian goddess. Believe me.

  7. aw psycho ... i know i'm hard on myself ... i also get a little more so when i'm screwed up on pain meds feeling defeated :) so, i'm feeling less angry about my back today


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