Wednesday, August 31, 2011

9-1-1 Emergency!!!

A few nights back, I was in a snoring competition with the chihuahua when all of a sudden, I was woken by an alarm going off in the house.

I'm still undecided as to what woke me up first; the actual alarm, or the Sir Bark-A-Lot that I have taught to howl when sirens go by.

Oh, I taught him good.  I never knew a chihuahua could howl so well!  And yes, he worked it for the full 15 minutes of ear piercing sirens.

Cats ran this way and that, trying their damnedest to trip me up.  I was scrambling around the house with my arms in the air like a demented lunatic, muttering, "Fucking," this and, "What the fuck," that about some fucking noise that I swore I've never heard before.

You see, it wasn't the usual alarm that erupts while I'm cooking, so I was confused as to where this sound was coming from.

Well, if I'm being honest, the confusion was really because it was 4 a.m. and my nerve pills were in full effect, not to mention it was the night of the Budder Bar that I had apparently eaten too much of.

So to say the least, I was not of sound mind, and I couldn't quite hear properly, because I wear ear plugs to sleep.

yeah ... i mean business when it's coma time ...

However, I was able to figure out it was coming from my office.

I entered, all bleary eyed, and removed the smoke detector from the ceiling in a desperate attempt to shut it the fuck up!  I found a little hole, tried poking it with a pen, then considered ripping the wires out of the contraption because I was going to lose it if it didn't stop screaming in my face.

Amongst the howling chihuahua and the screaming siren, I tried calling Papi, but had no luck.

My love was obviously passed out on the job and had the ringer off.

Oh, I'll try again, because maybe mi esposo is actually working and isn't near his cell.

No dice.

At this point, my eyes are starting to open, and I have one ear plug out.

I'm getting serious now!

I tried to poke and prod the detector hole with an even skinnier pen, when I realized the alarm wasn't coming from this gizmo.  It was coming from the box in a nook in the wall.

It's an alarm system we used to have connected before the sewage flood.  It shouldn't be going off!  It's been disconnected!  WTF?!?!?

Ok!  I'll call Papi's work line that only the privileged are allowed to have.

As I was dialing, I went to the top of the 'my didn't they do a great job of the carpet' stairs and punched in the code on the alarm display box. 

ahhh ... the silence was deafening ...

I then heard Papi answer and I explained what just happened.  My love proceeded to call the alarm company from his cell as I heard the one ended conversation.

Oh damn.  They've already called the Fire Department.

Sure enough, within a few seconds of receiving these words, I see flashing lights outside our front window.

I casually strolled out the front door, giving a wave, as if I was greeting a long time friend.  The firefighters came rushing out of their truck, axes in hand, with full gear ready for the fight.

"Um, hey, how's it going?  Um, there's no fire."

Boss-man firefighter replies, "Well what are we doing here then?"

Still in a bit of a Medicinal Cannabis/Nerve Pill stupor, I shrugged with a teen style, "I dunno," and waited for them to award me with the answer.

When I realized that they must've thought I was a wee bit simple, I added, "Oh, well, our alarm went off, even though it's supposed to be disconnected, then they called you."

They shook their heads and gave me the death stare while they walked away.  I don't blame them.  They had to scream out of their cozy place, jump into gear and holler their emergency to the peaceful, empty streets of Vancouver at 4:15 a.m.

As I was closing the lights off around the house, I saw someone coming up my basement sidewalk dressed in black, and used a flashlight to bang on the window.

Oh great.  The cops were called too.

I went out, hoping to clear up the issue without sir officer figuring out I wasn't 'all there', but lo and behold, it was my neighbour.  Ah yes.  The alarm company calls our neighbours until someone answers as well.

and a good fucking morning to you too!

Papi instructed me what to say, as I still couldn't form complete sentences.

Eventually it all ended and I went back to sleep.

When I awoke the next morning, I really wondered if it was all a dream, until my love informed me the next day that we're going to be billed for the Fire Department showing up.

I'm not sure which had the most effect on my inability to function.  Brain injury?  MC?  Nerve pills?

Nah ... it's really just another day in our reality show/blog household.

The 96 year old bird slept through the whole damn thing.


  1. I bet you weren't laughing at the time though.

    Truck load of firemen and a lesbian ?
    What a waste. lol.

  2. lmao!!! ah dirty ... i love ya xo

  3. Ah ha ha! Seriously? Granny slept? Love it!

  4. deafer than a doorknob tricia!

  5. she slept through the whole thing, i am laughing so much i have tears in my eyes :)

  6. yup alex ... we can actually have secret conversations right in front of her and as long as she doesn't see our lips move, she doesn't know lol!

    i think i may be becoming a ventriloquist



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