Sunday, August 14, 2011

Baby Steps

We see what we want to see.

Most of us anyway.  Papi is included in this 'most of us'.

I received a text last night as I was ready to make my way home, "I almost fell off the toilet when I saw you referred to me as 'he' on my status area."

my sweet papi, so addicted to facebook that my love can't even go to the bathroom without it

I was confused.  "I did?!  Lol!!"

I thought that maybe I was subconsciously moving along much faster than I was aware of.

I mean, I try to speak about Papi with no pronoun what-so-ever ...

... as you've probably noticed ... hope it doesn't drive you crazy as much as it is difficult for me to do so ...

I was truly surprised that my mind would just switch over without help.

I had to see for myself when I got home.  Most definitely.

When I arrived home, my ailing Papi was in bed still fighting off the flu.

My love said, "I read it wrong.  It was someone else who referred to me as he.  I was so happy when I thought it was you though."

so happy ...

I realized at that moment, Papi saw what my love was yearning for.

I realized at that moment, there was a way I could make my love feel joy:  Use a male pronoun.

I'm so not ready for this.

I fight it with obstination.

I throw around my love's name, and occasionally when I'm not thinking with focus, I will say 'she' and quickly correct myself to 'he'.

It's about the only time I do it, and it's only around people who already have taken the plunge in calling mi esposo 'he'.

However, now that I've grasped just how much it would mean to my love, I suppose I need to look at that.

We're both in this relationship to make each others lives richer, more full and meaningful.  Otherwise, it would be a loveless charade.

I mean for gawd's sakes!  Some of my closest friends are doing the right thing and using 'he'.

I'm the one Papi chose to be with.  Something as simple as dropping the letter 's' could make mi esposo happy, and I'm too tenacious to do so?

Well, when you're in a relationship that is successful, you will find compromise is a strong spot.

Yet still I feel the need to shout, "No!!!  I'm a lesbian!!  I'm not in a straight relationship with a 'he'!!!"

When I came out of the closet, I hit the new world with a boa, sparkles and 16" stilettos, strutting until I found my butch who would bare their soul to me.

please don't strip me of my boa and sparkles ... i can let go of the heels ... they hurt too much

I found my perfect butch, I married this gem.

So, yeah.

I'm wavering in the pronoun department.

It was just so hard to see the let down in Papi's face when my love said it wasn't me who used, "he".

Maybe I need to take baby steps?

Perhaps just start with the people who know who I am?

Maybe right now it's time to put in to use some of those cliché sayings that were burned into my brain during my days at that anonymous group for drunks.

One day at a time.

Fake it 'til you make it.

(dear sponsors who thought i wasn't listening:  i was.)


  1. Andrea, you are going through exactly what my friend's spouse is going through: she is straight; she married a man; he is changing into a female. Confusion and bewilderment reign supreme, however, the overriding factor in their relationship is love, without which they would fall apart.

    Once again, thank you for sharing your journey. x

  2. ah vee ... the roles reversed have the same strife. i would love to chat with your friend. we, the other half, need all the support we can find in this little world.

  3. I am sure my friends would be interested in reading your blog and getting in contact with you at some stage. At this point in time they have chosen to take leave from their jobs and have pretty much cut themselves off from the world as they work through the transition. Neither of them have the support of their respective families and both of them have lost numerous 'friends'. They have withdrawn into a coocoon that has enough room for just the two of them while they work out how they're going to move forward. They are lucky to have each other, as are you and your partner. Here's hoping their love will triumph. :)

  4. oh vee ... i so know the cocoon ... i really really do ... if you speak to her, let her know i'm here and i understand ...

    we've lost 'friends' b/c i am open and honest about my feelings ... and the same thing as what they're going through pertains to the next few words:

    they aren't friends ... fuck em

  5. How strange that you can cope with so much and yet two letters are such a problem. I do get what the issue is, but you don't have to put away the boa and stillettos - I've never been a lesbian - well apart - but I have high heels and boas.

    And it might be 5 foot long but it's still a clitoris and all the time you're (insert filthy verb) one of them I think that means you're a lesbian.

  6. dirty, you are so right.

    so damn right.

    i love you.

    one of the greatest things i've received from all of this is my blogger friendships. i may have never met you in person, but you are in my heart always.


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