Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Shhhhh ...

'after all it’s just another way society has of sticking you in a box and controlling you'

I read these words in my comments box from a new face in my manic world of mind to paper, BlackLOG, and I remembered why I'm here speaking to my imaginary friend.

Lest I be judged.

It just so happens that people read my words of discord.

I never set out to harm anyone, rather to be good to 'me' and give myself some healing around what I find difficult.

I am not evil, because I didn't intentionally set out to hurt anyone.  I am working things out, and I'm behind the eight ball is all.

I mean really, Papi was trying to get across to me why people would choose not to have anything to do with me anymore, but not all people diss me.  I am still loved by those who matter.

I now remember why those of us who are struggling with the fact that our soul mate has exposed their true gender don't speak; lest we be judged.

But, this is my journey.  I am not a cookie cut out of every other person.

It is true that because of my words some folks will choose to disapprove of me, just as it is true that I don't think the same as other people.  Honestly, I've been this person all my life.  I think for myself, not the way others would have me do so.

It is the reason I am friends with the underdog.

It is the reason I've never been akin to the 'cool kids'.

I will not be muzzled by the imperial masses who, as a new member of my Trust List said, 'put politics before humanity'.

I will openly continue my journey, albeit there may be many tears along the way due to being the 'odd' one out.

I will continue to be the last called for the basket ball game, and I'm sure there will be a lot of gatherings I'll be deliberately left out of.

wouldn't want to be associated with me ... you may be dissed for doing so...

However, it's my journey, and I have hope that these words will reach the many out there who are feeling the same discord.  I am hoping these words will find those who may relate to my feelings.

Our feelings of difficulty around our partners re-arranging their genders is unique.

We don't fit in.  Instead, we all 'don't fit in' together.

What you read yesterday is true to my feelings of the inner battle with myself.  It is my inner struggle I live with every moment.  It is my healing journey that began at the age of 10 when my father let me know that I wasn't good enough to be in his life, by choosing drugs over his children.

if i don't eat a crumb, i will vanish ... if i just lose 5 more pounds, maybe i'll die ...

It is why I am here at this very moment probing to find peace, to learn, grow and heal in my way.

I only speak the truth of what's in my head, and unfortunately, those without any psychological cacophony will never understand.

The beating I gave myself was only because Papi spoke to me from the other side of the fence.  It was my love's way of showing me how I am seen from another's perspective, and in mi esposo's words, "I like the fact that your non-PC.  It's one of the reasons I love you.  I also think that being racist is not quite the words I was looking for.  It's more like homophobia.  It's transphobia."

And it's my transphobia.  It is not for someone else to tell me how to get past it, all that really matters is that I'm trying do so and not stagnating in my filth.

Yesterday, I took an elephantine baby step and referred to my love as 'he' on Facebook.  It is a great place to start, as it's coming through my fingers, not my mouth.

Two people recognized it and gave me a pat on the back.  I needed that.  I needed to hear from someone else that indeed it was a big step, and that they're happy for me getting to that point.

One of these two souls is an F-M who would never silence me.

It is someone who is witnessing my growth from start to finish, much like I get to witness my love's changes in becoming a male born in a female's body.  It is a person who hasn't decided to follow anyone's lead, but only to support and love me through many of my words that may seem unloving to the politically fueled.

There may be many tears to accompany my truth.  There may be many days where I feel like the person those who dislike me make me out to be.  There may be days where I beat myself up with my inner struggle, yet I will not be extinguished.

Those who wish me to be mute and invisible, only make my voice feel the need to be heard all the more.



  1. when I used to post in superdyke I got defriended all over the place.
    People have different views on stuff and that is what makes the world so lovely :->

  2. I can hear even the thunders clapping! Booyah!

    Sincerely Andrea, I am deeply honoured to have met someone like you and known more about your journey through your writings, albeit virtually. Thank you for writing.

  3. @papi, thank you for understanding & loving 'me'.

    @psycho, i'm the one who is so lucky to have found you before i was able to open my mouth to the world about my feelings ... my writing and your support is what has helped me gain strength xo

  4. Eloquently written Andrea. And just for the record - if I am picking teammates - you are my first choice. ;)

  5. twister, thank you ... we'd make a ferocious basketball team :)

  6. I love you and how you are able to say what you are going through.

    Sometimes I wished I could vanish only I called it disappearing, but then I met you and a lot of others who support me.

    Your journey is as important as your arrival and you are good at sharing that. I will always be here watching your travels.

    You and Papi forever ♥

  7. alex ... you prove so much that you are way more mature in your journey than others your age.

    you amaze me.

    your words move me.

    thank you for being my friend xo

  8. Good for you!!! Be proud of who you are and who you love! I am so thankful that I had parents that loved others no matter what. Many years ago I found out that one of my girl cousins was gay. This was probably 35 years ago. You would have thought that the world had come to an end............with some of the family. Thankfully many of us were not that way!! I love and care for people for who they are inside, how they treat me etc. It's sad that so many people don't think that way. To me "they" are the strange ones:)

  9. gayle, you are truly blessed to have an understanding open minded family.

    cherish it.

    it doesn't happen very often xoxo


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